Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Nov 11, 2008
I am good for another 3 months or 3, ooo miles. MRI looked "really good" per my hi priced radiation oncologist and then he said farewell to me. I can never have radiation again (evidently there is a lifetime maximum) so I go to my Neurological Oncologist from now on. I am going to post a couple recent pics for the fam.
It is a bit surreal to live 3 months to 3 months, that is still sinking in. I asked him how often we would have to keep checking my thyroid and he said forever. I asked about MRI's and he said every 3 months for a few yrs then perhaps every 4, etc. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for all the prayers. I have amazing friends. One who spent several hours on the phone last night just listening to me cry.
It doesn't get easier. The sitting there, waiting, waiting to go in and here the results. I don't want niceties, or bedside manner, or even questions on how I am feeling. He should meet me at the door with a "everything is great" or "I am sorry." Just let me know immediately. I only had to wait 45 minutes from when the scan was finished until my exam but they don't realize, I have been worried about this for 3 months. I'll be worried for the next 3 months. I don't know when it gets easier. When do I stop feeling like I have a 3 month potential sentencing date? I don't even know what to pray for any more. How do people live like this?
It is a bit surreal to live 3 months to 3 months, that is still sinking in. I asked him how often we would have to keep checking my thyroid and he said forever. I asked about MRI's and he said every 3 months for a few yrs then perhaps every 4, etc. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for all the prayers. I have amazing friends. One who spent several hours on the phone last night just listening to me cry.
It doesn't get easier. The sitting there, waiting, waiting to go in and here the results. I don't want niceties, or bedside manner, or even questions on how I am feeling. He should meet me at the door with a "everything is great" or "I am sorry." Just let me know immediately. I only had to wait 45 minutes from when the scan was finished until my exam but they don't realize, I have been worried about this for 3 months. I'll be worried for the next 3 months. I don't know when it gets easier. When do I stop feeling like I have a 3 month potential sentencing date? I don't even know what to pray for any more. How do people live like this?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
November 8, 2008
It has been quite some time since I posted. I have been busy trying to live life, not write about it. So the shrink said I didn't need to see him after the second session. Who knew? I'm too well adjusted for a shrink even post cancer. He did say he could provide that in writing to any family members in doubt.
The eyes are good, no cancer spread there per last week's appointment. Praise be to God. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
The teeth are much better than expected. My dentist is great and had a whole program worked out for me from his reports from my oncologist, since I've been living the life of a bulimic since January. Some things I am going to need to do for, well, probably for life to keep my teeth healthy.
My family Dr. still calls to check in, he is a true gem. My Chiropractor is still helping me with pain management via acu-pressure. (not puncture, he uses a "zapper" as I call it not needles)
The first thyroid check looked good, final check is Feb. (full brain radiation can cause the pituitary gland to die and thus require the thyroid to have to come out) And my anemia is getting better. I have been fighting allergies and sinus probs for about 6 weeks.
The big MRI and exam is Tuesday. I had to wait for a certain amount of time for all the radiation to wear off before they could do any scans or xrays of my eyes, teeth, and now my brain, so now here we go.
I think it is ironic my appt. is on Veteran's day. I have great respect for our military so I mean no disrespect but I feel like I've been through a war this year. I can't believe it is November and I am still dealing with this stuff. I don't know how long I thought cancer battles lasted but I'm doing well. I have been cancer free since Feb. yet it is still a daily battle of not being able to sleep or being tired all day, of body fatigue, nausea, an esophagus lining that has been worn away from excessive acid. And those are the things I am willing to post publicly. I am not complaining but I include this only because a couple friends said all of my posts have not been fully, bluntly honest and if my purpose was to minister to someone else going through this, I should include a bit more reality so they will know what to expect.
My eyelashes are back, woohoo! Eyebrows are getting there. I never fully lost my eyebrows, which is good. I hate when people draw lines for eyebrows. My head.....well, they told me it would be end of the year before I could expect that to even start so, still in wigs. I'll probably be in wigs for another year, sighhhhhh. I need to put up a new pic. My friend gave me a short bob wig and it looks awesome on me, better than any that I had bought so I've been wearing it.
I'll post after Tuesday with an update when I have results.
May God bless and keep you all as he has me.
The eyes are good, no cancer spread there per last week's appointment. Praise be to God. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
The teeth are much better than expected. My dentist is great and had a whole program worked out for me from his reports from my oncologist, since I've been living the life of a bulimic since January. Some things I am going to need to do for, well, probably for life to keep my teeth healthy.
My family Dr. still calls to check in, he is a true gem. My Chiropractor is still helping me with pain management via acu-pressure. (not puncture, he uses a "zapper" as I call it not needles)
The first thyroid check looked good, final check is Feb. (full brain radiation can cause the pituitary gland to die and thus require the thyroid to have to come out) And my anemia is getting better. I have been fighting allergies and sinus probs for about 6 weeks.
The big MRI and exam is Tuesday. I had to wait for a certain amount of time for all the radiation to wear off before they could do any scans or xrays of my eyes, teeth, and now my brain, so now here we go.
I think it is ironic my appt. is on Veteran's day. I have great respect for our military so I mean no disrespect but I feel like I've been through a war this year. I can't believe it is November and I am still dealing with this stuff. I don't know how long I thought cancer battles lasted but I'm doing well. I have been cancer free since Feb. yet it is still a daily battle of not being able to sleep or being tired all day, of body fatigue, nausea, an esophagus lining that has been worn away from excessive acid. And those are the things I am willing to post publicly. I am not complaining but I include this only because a couple friends said all of my posts have not been fully, bluntly honest and if my purpose was to minister to someone else going through this, I should include a bit more reality so they will know what to expect.
My eyelashes are back, woohoo! Eyebrows are getting there. I never fully lost my eyebrows, which is good. I hate when people draw lines for eyebrows. My head.....well, they told me it would be end of the year before I could expect that to even start so, still in wigs. I'll probably be in wigs for another year, sighhhhhh. I need to put up a new pic. My friend gave me a short bob wig and it looks awesome on me, better than any that I had bought so I've been wearing it.
I'll post after Tuesday with an update when I have results.
May God bless and keep you all as he has me.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I've been shrank
Yes, alas dear ones, I did it, I went to a shrink. And I must confess, I accidently referred to him as such in my session. He chuckled and waived his hand and said it's fine.
I like him, he asked a lot of questions because, well, let's face it, we had loads of foundation issues he needed to know to get started. But he didn't do any of that foolish stuff you always hear about. Someone today told me that is the difference in a psychiatrist versus a psychologist. A Psychiatrist can actually tell you what to do, make diagnosis, etc. So he is worth the extra cash if just for that. If he was just going to sit there and not give advice, I had predecided I'd just keep Chad on speed dial. He has done a good job counseling me for 20 years, and he is free.
So I go back in 2 weeks for session 2 and we will start work now that all foundation work has been done.
And for Patricia's sake I'll note. He sees no signs of depression, I seem to have found a good coping mechanism that got me through cancer, but now we have to work on life with long term healthy coping skills to address the "when will it come back" fear all cancer survivors live with which he pegged very on target would be hard for an organized, planner, always in control person like me. He said if we can get past this core problem, it is also the core of my workaholic issues so I can hopefully kill 2 birds with one stone, woooohoooo. Well, or one medical bill.
Other horrors to ponder.
So our company has lost 3 employees since March (1 was technically a consultant but essentially an employee). All were immediate, unexpected, and horribly tragic. So tomorrow I will go to another memorial service. It is all perplexing. Life is precious. I get it, I get it already. But what dear Lord should I be doing? Do we all go through life continually asking this question? Do some people get some nice definitive answer and live their whole life in peace as school teachers or accountants or nurses or whatever knowing their answer?
I like him, he asked a lot of questions because, well, let's face it, we had loads of foundation issues he needed to know to get started. But he didn't do any of that foolish stuff you always hear about. Someone today told me that is the difference in a psychiatrist versus a psychologist. A Psychiatrist can actually tell you what to do, make diagnosis, etc. So he is worth the extra cash if just for that. If he was just going to sit there and not give advice, I had predecided I'd just keep Chad on speed dial. He has done a good job counseling me for 20 years, and he is free.
So I go back in 2 weeks for session 2 and we will start work now that all foundation work has been done.
And for Patricia's sake I'll note. He sees no signs of depression, I seem to have found a good coping mechanism that got me through cancer, but now we have to work on life with long term healthy coping skills to address the "when will it come back" fear all cancer survivors live with which he pegged very on target would be hard for an organized, planner, always in control person like me. He said if we can get past this core problem, it is also the core of my workaholic issues so I can hopefully kill 2 birds with one stone, woooohoooo. Well, or one medical bill.
Other horrors to ponder.
So our company has lost 3 employees since March (1 was technically a consultant but essentially an employee). All were immediate, unexpected, and horribly tragic. So tomorrow I will go to another memorial service. It is all perplexing. Life is precious. I get it, I get it already. But what dear Lord should I be doing? Do we all go through life continually asking this question? Do some people get some nice definitive answer and live their whole life in peace as school teachers or accountants or nurses or whatever knowing their answer?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
ZACH is back
That's right, for all you Saved by the Bell Junkies Mark Paul Gosselaar is back on a new show with long hair. Look for "Raising the Bar" on TNT in Sept.
Quotes to ponder
"Women and sausage, if you want to enjoy either, do not watch in the preparation process."
"There are 2 great tragedies in life, not getting what you want and getting what you want, the latter is the greater of the 2."
"There are 2 great tragedies in life, not getting what you want and getting what you want, the latter is the greater of the 2."
Friday, August 8, 2008
Miscellaneous tidbits and advice from someone who knows nothing
So I have given this lecture to a few friends but feel the need to push it out to the masses.
If you do not have life insurance outside of your employer, get it. Get it today. Do not wait to call tomorrow. Most of my friends reading this are young and have great jobs, but once you get a serious illness it is impossible to get personal insurance and if you get too ill to keep your job, you loose insurance and are left with nothing. Now there are various schools of thought on this such as investing in various ways. And I would agree property is probably the wisest way to go but the one that takes the most knowledge and research. Traditional investing in the markets would be second choice but for those without the time or knack, at least call up State Farm and make sure you have a back up plan. Once you are ill, it's too late.
I also encourage supplemental insurance. Most are familiar with Aflac. For years I had supplemental insurance with a different company but same basic concept. I lost it when I left West and never replaced it. HUGE mistake. I thought I had time. That one time payout of $50,000 for cancer would have been nice and relieved immense stress. But alas, it is what it is. There are special policies you can buy just for cancer or severe illnesses such as a heart attack, stroke, etc. Look into it. We have to do these things before we need them because once you need them, it's too late.
And finally, forgive everyone. All negativity eats at your heart and soul and does no good in the end. No one deserves forgivenes, none of us, so forgive those who you don't think deserve it either and remember, you've been forgiven when you didn't deserve it either.
Finally. Make your days purposeful. Oddly enough I've had several friends this week with relationship issues and at the root, they all have the same problem....they are afraid to get rid of the person in their life for fear they will not find someone else. One even actually said "lots of people settle, maybe I should." How sad is that? Life is too short. Never settle!!!!!! It is also terribly unfair to the other person. At the bare minimum, everyone deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be with them; not just someone is hanging out until they find someone better. And besides, when you settle, you will end up finding your soul mate down the road after you've already made a committment, and that's just sad and torturous despite all of the spiritual and christian responsibilities that are involved.
God has a plan for each of us but we have to be strong enough to walk away from the easy to have room for the wonderful. One friend said it this way "you have to create a vacuum for something to be able to fill it." I think that is true.
If you do not have life insurance outside of your employer, get it. Get it today. Do not wait to call tomorrow. Most of my friends reading this are young and have great jobs, but once you get a serious illness it is impossible to get personal insurance and if you get too ill to keep your job, you loose insurance and are left with nothing. Now there are various schools of thought on this such as investing in various ways. And I would agree property is probably the wisest way to go but the one that takes the most knowledge and research. Traditional investing in the markets would be second choice but for those without the time or knack, at least call up State Farm and make sure you have a back up plan. Once you are ill, it's too late.
I also encourage supplemental insurance. Most are familiar with Aflac. For years I had supplemental insurance with a different company but same basic concept. I lost it when I left West and never replaced it. HUGE mistake. I thought I had time. That one time payout of $50,000 for cancer would have been nice and relieved immense stress. But alas, it is what it is. There are special policies you can buy just for cancer or severe illnesses such as a heart attack, stroke, etc. Look into it. We have to do these things before we need them because once you need them, it's too late.
And finally, forgive everyone. All negativity eats at your heart and soul and does no good in the end. No one deserves forgivenes, none of us, so forgive those who you don't think deserve it either and remember, you've been forgiven when you didn't deserve it either.
Finally. Make your days purposeful. Oddly enough I've had several friends this week with relationship issues and at the root, they all have the same problem....they are afraid to get rid of the person in their life for fear they will not find someone else. One even actually said "lots of people settle, maybe I should." How sad is that? Life is too short. Never settle!!!!!! It is also terribly unfair to the other person. At the bare minimum, everyone deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be with them; not just someone is hanging out until they find someone better. And besides, when you settle, you will end up finding your soul mate down the road after you've already made a committment, and that's just sad and torturous despite all of the spiritual and christian responsibilities that are involved.
God has a plan for each of us but we have to be strong enough to walk away from the easy to have room for the wonderful. One friend said it this way "you have to create a vacuum for something to be able to fill it." I think that is true.
Irony abounds
So as I am coming out of whole foods, yes, I have succumed to the whole foods/ organic/ probiotic I am a cancer survivor but must consume capsulated red lettuce and cranberry concentrate to ensure my body stays oxygenated and alkaline so no more cancer can come back.
So anyway......after shopping at the hippie, greenpeace recruiting, PETA loving, tree hugging, yuppie snob shop, I, walking to my car and see some mom with her 2 teens in their 2 inches of material I think they were using as skirts to show off their spray on tan, I noticed Mom was inhaling a cigarette as she loaded the Lexus SUV with overpriced bottled water and organic grocery bags. Maybe I am horrible but I had to laugh out loud and shake my head as I loaded in my bag of vitamins from the list of everything I was needing to cover. Tcells, Immunity, alkaline body, antioxidants.
I will also take this time to plug Limu. It is wonder juice from the Tonga that my dear friends Amanda's dad sent me. Unfortunately I already had cancer before I started taking it but if my cancer never returns I will gladly give Mr. Steve and the Limu full credit.
If you want more information, let me know and I'll connect you so you too can have Limu. Feel free to google it. There are lots of studies, it supposed to get good stuff.
So anyway......after shopping at the hippie, greenpeace recruiting, PETA loving, tree hugging, yuppie snob shop, I, walking to my car and see some mom with her 2 teens in their 2 inches of material I think they were using as skirts to show off their spray on tan, I noticed Mom was inhaling a cigarette as she loaded the Lexus SUV with overpriced bottled water and organic grocery bags. Maybe I am horrible but I had to laugh out loud and shake my head as I loaded in my bag of vitamins from the list of everything I was needing to cover. Tcells, Immunity, alkaline body, antioxidants.
I will also take this time to plug Limu. It is wonder juice from the Tonga that my dear friends Amanda's dad sent me. Unfortunately I already had cancer before I started taking it but if my cancer never returns I will gladly give Mr. Steve and the Limu full credit.
If you want more information, let me know and I'll connect you so you too can have Limu. Feel free to google it. There are lots of studies, it supposed to get good stuff.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hello, my name is Vi, I am not Wonder Woman
So Monday I told one of my doctors (because evidently not only does it take a village to raise a child but also to treat cancer) that I was ready to admit I might not be wonder woman as I have been telling them through all of this I needed time off work to rest a bit. He chuckled and said that they had been waiting for me to crash but he admitted I far exceeded every doctor, nurse and technician on my team's expectations. SO I took of 7/30 - 8/10.
Everyone told me it was an unexplainable fatigue, I got it last weekend. When my quick trip to get a couple of food items since I was going to have a guest who might want more than my ice cream beverage collection to exist on took 2 hours. I got to the checkout and was floored. I knew I was moving slow but man.......2 hours, that's normally a leisurely 6 mile walk. And then I came home and napped. LOL. So alas, it was time.
Today is 8/1/08 and yesterday was my last treatment. My dear friend Mike is here en route to visit his grandma and we have a day o' celebration planned.
Now I have to take care of all the other "stuff" that I wasn't allowed to focus on during treatment. Like dental appts, gyno visit, eye dr. Next scan in about 2 months and we wait 6 months to determine if I have to get thyroid removed from radiation damage.
More to come.
Everyone told me it was an unexplainable fatigue, I got it last weekend. When my quick trip to get a couple of food items since I was going to have a guest who might want more than my ice cream beverage collection to exist on took 2 hours. I got to the checkout and was floored. I knew I was moving slow but man.......2 hours, that's normally a leisurely 6 mile walk. And then I came home and napped. LOL. So alas, it was time.
Today is 8/1/08 and yesterday was my last treatment. My dear friend Mike is here en route to visit his grandma and we have a day o' celebration planned.
Now I have to take care of all the other "stuff" that I wasn't allowed to focus on during treatment. Like dental appts, gyno visit, eye dr. Next scan in about 2 months and we wait 6 months to determine if I have to get thyroid removed from radiation damage.
More to come.
Friday, July 18, 2008
July 18, 2008
I was listening to this awesome song on the way home sitting in traffic. I hate traffic. I have no understanding how people can commute an hour each way of their day. So the song is Learning How to Bend by Gary Allan. I like Gary, I have since his first album. His first wife committed suicide and for those of us who have ever had someone close to you do that, you know, it forever haunts you. I think it has shown significantly in the songs he has written since then. It's been a number of years, I think 5ish and he is even remarried but I like these lyrics.
I’m still learning how to pray
Try to see things your way
I’m still learning how to pray
How many Christians feel like we never really learned how to pray? And I have been to many a seminar/ retreat/ workshop even read books on various people's "How to Pray." Some say journal it. Others encourage you to have categories and spend so many minutes on each category such as prayers for unsaved friends, time for prayers of thanksgiving, etc. Others encourage you to speak from the heart and let the Holy Spirit intercede where you fall short. Hundreds have written books of prayer so you can just use theirs if you want. I think it is a combination of things. There are times when we just need to pour out our heart and cry to the Lord, our God, lover of our soul. Other times we do need to make sure we are offering up prayers of thanksgiving as much as we are prayers of "God please gimme." The best I have heard thus far was to pray back scripture because God is always faithful to his word. And I do think learning how to pray/ learning how to communicate in a relationship with the creator of all probably should be a lifelong process to perfect.
The song goes on
I’m still learning how to trust
It’s so hard to open up
I’m still learning how to trust
I’m still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We’ll conquer all our fears
Wow, isn't that the truth. Why is it so hard to open up? So hard to let people in? For some it seems amazingly easy, for others almost impossible. At least the songwriter encourages us that we'll conquer all our fears but I'm not sure I believe that. I don't believe we conquer all our fears...life just isn't that perfect...not this life but one day, one day, we will live where there is no fear.
The song goes on
I’m just trying to understand
It’s all in someone else’s hands
There’s always been a bigger plan
But I don’t need to understand
I’m still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We’ll conquer all our fears
I’m still learning how to bend
It's true, we must have faith in a bigger plan, many spend exhaustive amounts of time trying to understand. That time is spent in vain if we are trying to understand omnipotent concepts with human brains. For some things, we need not waste the time trying to break everything into minute pieces, faith is an amazing thing. It frees you. Christ is freedom from bondage, even the bondage of having to scientifically map out everything.
So we'll go on, still learning how to bend.
I’m still learning how to pray
Try to see things your way
I’m still learning how to pray
How many Christians feel like we never really learned how to pray? And I have been to many a seminar/ retreat/ workshop even read books on various people's "How to Pray." Some say journal it. Others encourage you to have categories and spend so many minutes on each category such as prayers for unsaved friends, time for prayers of thanksgiving, etc. Others encourage you to speak from the heart and let the Holy Spirit intercede where you fall short. Hundreds have written books of prayer so you can just use theirs if you want. I think it is a combination of things. There are times when we just need to pour out our heart and cry to the Lord, our God, lover of our soul. Other times we do need to make sure we are offering up prayers of thanksgiving as much as we are prayers of "God please gimme." The best I have heard thus far was to pray back scripture because God is always faithful to his word. And I do think learning how to pray/ learning how to communicate in a relationship with the creator of all probably should be a lifelong process to perfect.
The song goes on
I’m still learning how to trust
It’s so hard to open up
I’m still learning how to trust
I’m still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We’ll conquer all our fears
Wow, isn't that the truth. Why is it so hard to open up? So hard to let people in? For some it seems amazingly easy, for others almost impossible. At least the songwriter encourages us that we'll conquer all our fears but I'm not sure I believe that. I don't believe we conquer all our fears...life just isn't that perfect...not this life but one day, one day, we will live where there is no fear.
The song goes on
I’m just trying to understand
It’s all in someone else’s hands
There’s always been a bigger plan
But I don’t need to understand
I’m still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We’ll conquer all our fears
I’m still learning how to bend
It's true, we must have faith in a bigger plan, many spend exhaustive amounts of time trying to understand. That time is spent in vain if we are trying to understand omnipotent concepts with human brains. For some things, we need not waste the time trying to break everything into minute pieces, faith is an amazing thing. It frees you. Christ is freedom from bondage, even the bondage of having to scientifically map out everything.
So we'll go on, still learning how to bend.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
July 13 Amazing photos
You'll note I posted a few of my favorite phots from my dear friend Juanice on my blog. She is an award winning photographer. I am blessed to have many of her masterpieces in my home and office. Let me know if you would like her contact information.
Hmmmm, I should probably ask her if it was ok to post those. Well these are all copywrited so no reproduction people. I just need to make sure I am not breaking any laws now that I think about it.
God bless, if they get taken off later you'll know it is because I can't post her photos.
Hmmmm, I should probably ask her if it was ok to post those. Well these are all copywrited so no reproduction people. I just need to make sure I am not breaking any laws now that I think about it.
God bless, if they get taken off later you'll know it is because I can't post her photos.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
July 12 Eating your own words
I have this saying I always tell people when they say something like "I should...call so and so or help do such and such."
I always say "If you think of doing something good for someone, do it, stop what you are doing and do it immediately."
The immediately is because we tend to talk ourselves out of so many good things. Maybe it's too late to call? Maybe they'll be embarrassed to get flowers or a gift basket at work as a thank you? Maybe I could do something even better if I take some time to think of my options. Those ideas in our head turn into thoughts of well it's too late to help out now because it has been 6 weeks since they needed help and I have already missed their birthday, etc.
I was reminded of this today as I had thought of doing something for someone that kind of was thrown in my face, they have no idea but I know and I realized I had not heeded my own words. Me!!! Miss, savor ever second is still screwing up royally on her own life mantras.
TOPIC CHANGE
Why is it when the sweet old man at church calls me sweetheart it is ok but when it is the 20 year old waiter at Chili's I want to spit and hiss at him? Probably because I figure he is flirting for a bigger tip.
I dunno, I hear that cougar is the fashion this year so perhaps I should look into some 20 year olds. But I think the older woman is expected to be rich, shucks!! Yeah, I need a rich old man with good insurance who doesn't care if I die soon. (My family is really going to be ticked I left that smart remark in here. I'll go await the "are you ok, do we need to come phone calls")
ONE LAST TOPIC
So I have had this phone number for months for a volunteer organization to come help you clean your house during cancer and I refused to call but I finally broke down and called this weekand my appointment was for this morning. So I set my alarm and got up at 6 to clean before she got here at 9. I know, sad. And I did bizarre stuff she isn't even going to do like clean my stove. ANd I did just shove some clutter in cabinets which I can now go through this week and trash. I do still need some help with dusting mostly but she called to reschedule and I was glad because I need a nap which is pretty sad after only 3 hours of manual labor.
Ok, that's all for today, nap time. Go see a friend you've been meaning to visit and eat a sno cone today for me.
I always say "If you think of doing something good for someone, do it, stop what you are doing and do it immediately."
The immediately is because we tend to talk ourselves out of so many good things. Maybe it's too late to call? Maybe they'll be embarrassed to get flowers or a gift basket at work as a thank you? Maybe I could do something even better if I take some time to think of my options. Those ideas in our head turn into thoughts of well it's too late to help out now because it has been 6 weeks since they needed help and I have already missed their birthday, etc.
I was reminded of this today as I had thought of doing something for someone that kind of was thrown in my face, they have no idea but I know and I realized I had not heeded my own words. Me!!! Miss, savor ever second is still screwing up royally on her own life mantras.
TOPIC CHANGE
Why is it when the sweet old man at church calls me sweetheart it is ok but when it is the 20 year old waiter at Chili's I want to spit and hiss at him? Probably because I figure he is flirting for a bigger tip.
I dunno, I hear that cougar is the fashion this year so perhaps I should look into some 20 year olds. But I think the older woman is expected to be rich, shucks!! Yeah, I need a rich old man with good insurance who doesn't care if I die soon. (My family is really going to be ticked I left that smart remark in here. I'll go await the "are you ok, do we need to come phone calls")
ONE LAST TOPIC
So I have had this phone number for months for a volunteer organization to come help you clean your house during cancer and I refused to call but I finally broke down and called this weekand my appointment was for this morning. So I set my alarm and got up at 6 to clean before she got here at 9. I know, sad. And I did bizarre stuff she isn't even going to do like clean my stove. ANd I did just shove some clutter in cabinets which I can now go through this week and trash. I do still need some help with dusting mostly but she called to reschedule and I was glad because I need a nap which is pretty sad after only 3 hours of manual labor.
Ok, that's all for today, nap time. Go see a friend you've been meaning to visit and eat a sno cone today for me.
Friday, July 11, 2008
July 11 And they said don't learn anything new
So while I am going through radiation they told me I would have to keep notes and not to try to take any classes or learn anything new as it would be very hard b/c my short term memory would be impacted. Now I don't know what cancer patient thinks active treatment is a good time to learn spanish or quantum physics anyway but whatever, they have to tell you everything I guess. But in my full out rebellion mode I have been challenging myself with new things every week to learn. For added fun I am making it something technical because I hate technical things. I hire good technically skilled people so I don't have to do this garbage. So over the past three weeks I started slow. First I manuevered my way through LinkedIn the professional networking site a lot of my friends and co-workers have been nagging me to join. Then I kicked it up a notch and joined Facebook for basically the same reason and then I built a blog to further spread my story and hopefully encourage others. And then I started learning systems related to my work and building elearning and web courses.
And I am doing great by the way. I have all these new things with new passwords to remember. And no, I don't have them all written down somewhere. I have decided to not forget anything and thus far it is working. Of course if suddenly all communication stops you'll know the doctors were right and I forgot all my passwords to everything!!!
And I am doing great by the way. I have all these new things with new passwords to remember. And no, I don't have them all written down somewhere. I have decided to not forget anything and thus far it is working. Of course if suddenly all communication stops you'll know the doctors were right and I forgot all my passwords to everything!!!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
July 10 Got snow?
Come on people it is the middle of summer. For those who have not yet heeded my urging to go swimming....what are you waiting for? Take a swim for me. And for those who have bared their pale thighs in public in solidarity and support, thanks for letting me know you were inspired.
This afternoon on my way home from the Chiropractor (still seeing him occaisionally from the car accident)I stopped and got a sno cone. There is NOTHING like a sno cone on a 100 degree July afternoon. And I believe you have to get a fun flavor. No plain ole jane ole strawberry or blueberry, at minimum if you are that boring get a rainbow sno cone. But none of that cream on top, I don't know what that's about. That was one thing I can say about Midland, they had a sno cone stand in every neighborhood. It is harder in Dallas. The neighborhood sno cone stand is a disappearing thing of the past I fear. The place I stopped at has a special unadvertised twist I was lucky enough to find out about from the 5 yr old regular customer in front of me. You can get a gummy bear on top if you ask. I, not being a gummy anything fan opted out but it was nice to see a unique approach to the cherry on top tradition by the Lewisville Tropical Sno establishment.
This afternoon on my way home from the Chiropractor (still seeing him occaisionally from the car accident)I stopped and got a sno cone. There is NOTHING like a sno cone on a 100 degree July afternoon. And I believe you have to get a fun flavor. No plain ole jane ole strawberry or blueberry, at minimum if you are that boring get a rainbow sno cone. But none of that cream on top, I don't know what that's about. That was one thing I can say about Midland, they had a sno cone stand in every neighborhood. It is harder in Dallas. The neighborhood sno cone stand is a disappearing thing of the past I fear. The place I stopped at has a special unadvertised twist I was lucky enough to find out about from the 5 yr old regular customer in front of me. You can get a gummy bear on top if you ask. I, not being a gummy anything fan opted out but it was nice to see a unique approach to the cherry on top tradition by the Lewisville Tropical Sno establishment.
July 9 Reeses Cups are a good source of protein
You know you have a top notch medical team when they agree your diet of a couple Reeses cups for breakfast, a couple for lunch and then a sensible dinner is ok.
My team all along subscribes to the "if ya don't barf it up, go for it." Which I in turn took to mean try to eat from my favorite food group first, chocolate. In my attempt to have some semblence of nutrition, I opted for the healthy peanut butter added chocolate. I tried snickers but the caramel is too dense and then there are nuts, yada yada, so I am sticking with the Reeses.
My doctor and RN who I must meet with weekly are both ok with this so I decided they are super! The head intern who follows my doctor around didn't seem to agree but he just shook his head in the background and laughed. When I left and thanked my care providers, I told the resident he didn't do anything today so, do better next week. I don't know how my humor translates to people from other cultures. I think probably not so well. They seem to just smile and nodd like "just humor the crazy brain cancer chick."
When we discussed calories coming from reserves I said "ummm, when I get to a size 2 or 4 we can discuss reserves, right now, my booty has plenty." But my RN told me I need to eat something everyday to have enough calories to fuel my body so it can burn off the reserves, who knew. So alas, I bought more Reeses cups. I have also taken up potato chips which I was never a big fan of but alas, potatoes are a natural acid absorber.....so go Zapps!!! From the little chippery in Gramercy, LA.
My team all along subscribes to the "if ya don't barf it up, go for it." Which I in turn took to mean try to eat from my favorite food group first, chocolate. In my attempt to have some semblence of nutrition, I opted for the healthy peanut butter added chocolate. I tried snickers but the caramel is too dense and then there are nuts, yada yada, so I am sticking with the Reeses.
My doctor and RN who I must meet with weekly are both ok with this so I decided they are super! The head intern who follows my doctor around didn't seem to agree but he just shook his head in the background and laughed. When I left and thanked my care providers, I told the resident he didn't do anything today so, do better next week. I don't know how my humor translates to people from other cultures. I think probably not so well. They seem to just smile and nodd like "just humor the crazy brain cancer chick."
When we discussed calories coming from reserves I said "ummm, when I get to a size 2 or 4 we can discuss reserves, right now, my booty has plenty." But my RN told me I need to eat something everyday to have enough calories to fuel my body so it can burn off the reserves, who knew. So alas, I bought more Reeses cups. I have also taken up potato chips which I was never a big fan of but alas, potatoes are a natural acid absorber.....so go Zapps!!! From the little chippery in Gramercy, LA.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
July 6, 2008
Well, as the voting for which wig I should wear continues on my facebook page and through emails the end of the holiday weekend comes to an end.
Marc and Carla (friends from college)were driving through from visiting Granddoris so we had lunch at Raising Canes with Ana and Nathan and their son Luke(2). (Ana's baby Jake is not public ready since he hasn't had his shots yet)
Raising Canes....wherever it is located the LSU alums can always be found there. I spent most of the time holding Marc and Carla's 9 month old Cameron, he is just too cute with those huge blue eyes and strawberry hair.....he is so calm, quiet and stoic, all Rechenthin in that kiddo. (which is how I prefer babies) I did have to handoff and spend some time with my boy Luke, he loves me.....ok, he loved my fries but all men are gonna use you for something and most aren't that cute and cuddly. I didn't want him thinking I had traded him in for a younger model. Since I accidently had my camera in video mode I am going to have to figure out how to add photos later.
Sadly you sometimes don't remember how much you miss having certain people in your life until they come back in. This is what I was thinking after seeing Carla yesterday. I wish there had been a better reason but if it took me getting cancer for me to realize I was missing a dear friend, then again in this I give thanks.
For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
I'm doing ok, tired......I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I downloaded that song to my Facebook page because it is exactly how I feel. I also downloaded Home by Blake Shelton (made popular by Michael Buble). I am having a major New Orleans craving.....don't think I ever miss Alexandria but I do miss New Orleans from time to time and it has always been my refuge when I was going through an emotional struggle in the past. I'd trek over and stay in Big Ina's guest room and get lost in the city during the day to be home for dinner by cocktail hour (ever since Papaw found out a lil glass a day is good for you....we didn't tell him that was wine not Jack Daniels...at his age who cares and it gives him something to do while waiting on dinner). So yeah, I want to buy some beignets and a REAL Cafe' au lait and take it to the top of Jackson Brewery and sit outside and play Tourist or Native as I overlook the city
I know I've said this before, but alas, as a Training professional I know repetition is important for a knowledge transfer to occur. You have this life altering, I should appreciate and savor every second kind of ordeal but then are too tired to do anything to appreciate......I think that's why people take leaves of absence from work. It is why I am debating it. So that the tiny bit of energy I have will not be spent in meetings where whatever is actually decided will change the following week at the same meeting. I dunno, debate is the key word. On the flip side I think keeping any kind of regular schedule is good emotionally and mentally for me so we shall see. In the end I am pretty sureI will work as long as physically possible because my team is already having to do extra and I've only cut back to 35-40 hours a week. I know, I'm such a slacker.
Ok, that's all I have this week.
Marc and Carla (friends from college)were driving through from visiting Granddoris so we had lunch at Raising Canes with Ana and Nathan and their son Luke(2). (Ana's baby Jake is not public ready since he hasn't had his shots yet)
Raising Canes....wherever it is located the LSU alums can always be found there. I spent most of the time holding Marc and Carla's 9 month old Cameron, he is just too cute with those huge blue eyes and strawberry hair.....he is so calm, quiet and stoic, all Rechenthin in that kiddo. (which is how I prefer babies) I did have to handoff and spend some time with my boy Luke, he loves me.....ok, he loved my fries but all men are gonna use you for something and most aren't that cute and cuddly. I didn't want him thinking I had traded him in for a younger model. Since I accidently had my camera in video mode I am going to have to figure out how to add photos later.
Sadly you sometimes don't remember how much you miss having certain people in your life until they come back in. This is what I was thinking after seeing Carla yesterday. I wish there had been a better reason but if it took me getting cancer for me to realize I was missing a dear friend, then again in this I give thanks.
For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
I'm doing ok, tired......I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I downloaded that song to my Facebook page because it is exactly how I feel. I also downloaded Home by Blake Shelton (made popular by Michael Buble). I am having a major New Orleans craving.....don't think I ever miss Alexandria but I do miss New Orleans from time to time and it has always been my refuge when I was going through an emotional struggle in the past. I'd trek over and stay in Big Ina's guest room and get lost in the city during the day to be home for dinner by cocktail hour (ever since Papaw found out a lil glass a day is good for you....we didn't tell him that was wine not Jack Daniels...at his age who cares and it gives him something to do while waiting on dinner). So yeah, I want to buy some beignets and a REAL Cafe' au lait and take it to the top of Jackson Brewery and sit outside and play Tourist or Native as I overlook the city
I know I've said this before, but alas, as a Training professional I know repetition is important for a knowledge transfer to occur. You have this life altering, I should appreciate and savor every second kind of ordeal but then are too tired to do anything to appreciate......I think that's why people take leaves of absence from work. It is why I am debating it. So that the tiny bit of energy I have will not be spent in meetings where whatever is actually decided will change the following week at the same meeting. I dunno, debate is the key word. On the flip side I think keeping any kind of regular schedule is good emotionally and mentally for me so we shall see. In the end I am pretty sureI will work as long as physically possible because my team is already having to do extra and I've only cut back to 35-40 hours a week. I know, I'm such a slacker.
Ok, that's all I have this week.
Friday, July 4, 2008
June 22, 2008 Update
6/22/08
So I had the fitting on Friday, not too bad.My first radiation treatment is Wednesday at 4pm. I will have to do 25 sessions (5 days a week for 5 weeks basically). I will only be in the machine for 10 minutes a day. Based on my observation Friday they seem to have it down to an art form so no waiting or anything like that. I get to come through a special back door with a valet to park for me, walk right in, and wait less than 5 minutes before they get me for my session.
I actually felt like a real person this weekend. I went to a co-worker's BBQ and spent all day Saturday just laughing. It was awesome. But they had a pool, I keep getting tempted by the pool!!! I was good, basically b/c I just can't have my co-workers seeing my thighs but alas it is on my no-no list. Yet I confess, I did cave today. I should move apartments so I don't have to watch kids people swimming all day but it is too late. I said I was just going to get some sun. Vitamin D is very important after all. And After this week I will not able to be in direct sun for the rest of the summer with radiation so, I had to take advantage of it, right. And then, all the brats left and no one was at the pool.....and I went in. Just for a few minutes. I used the same rational with myself I used for my sushi failure a few weeks ago...I've lived through brain surgery, chemo, who knows how many hurricanes.....if I'm due to die from some pool bacteria, so be it. Then alas a whole family invaded, complete with grandma, sisters and her kids, blahhhhh, I was outta there. But it felt good!!!
So now I am ready for my sunless summer. I have never been a sun person until I had to face the fact that I would not be allowed in the sun all summer. So odd. So enjoy your summer heat for me this yr and remember, if it were taken away and you had to be locked in buildings with no choice all summer, you'd miss it.
Radiation side effects (I like to pre-answer questions I know you have) - I will loose all my hair, she said that question she can answer for sure. I will be tired but to what degree that varies from person to person so she can't answer. Being so young places things in my favor, being immediately after brain surgery and chemo goes against me, so who knows. The biggest concern is one I did not even know of. By doing whole brain radiation my pituitary gland will most likely be impacted. By the intern's words I am doing "mass doses" of radiation. What does that mean? The pituitary gland controls the thyroid so it could stop working which would result in me either taking meds for that or even possible thyroid removal....yeah, more scars, I already have more lines on me that Rand McNally, oh well. I told my Dr if I get the thyroid problem that makes me too skinny I would not be seeking treatment but with my luck, who are we kidding, I'll get the thyroid problem that puts on weight and pack back on my pre-chemo pounds. Oh well, we'll cross that bridge later I guess. My sisters should be very proud, I told the WHOLE ugly truth in that paragraph of possible concerns.
Programming note - On Sept. 5 all of the major networks will simulcast a charity event for cancer research. This organization and event were founded by Katie Couric, as you may or may not know she has lost both her husband and sister to cancer and has done mountains for research over the past decade as a result of those horrible losses. The website for more information is www.standup2cancer.org I have a "team" established there if you would like to join for support, solidarity, whatever. No donations required to join. Anyway, the name if you want to join is "In all things give thanks".
I never thought I'd truly give thanks for cancer, but I do, it has forever changed me and as a result my view, my impact, my core self. For every blessing he pours out, I will turn back to praise.
Ok dear ones, that's all I have for now.
God bless and keep you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~Jeremiah 29:11
So I had the fitting on Friday, not too bad.My first radiation treatment is Wednesday at 4pm. I will have to do 25 sessions (5 days a week for 5 weeks basically). I will only be in the machine for 10 minutes a day. Based on my observation Friday they seem to have it down to an art form so no waiting or anything like that. I get to come through a special back door with a valet to park for me, walk right in, and wait less than 5 minutes before they get me for my session.
I actually felt like a real person this weekend. I went to a co-worker's BBQ and spent all day Saturday just laughing. It was awesome. But they had a pool, I keep getting tempted by the pool!!! I was good, basically b/c I just can't have my co-workers seeing my thighs but alas it is on my no-no list. Yet I confess, I did cave today. I should move apartments so I don't have to watch kids people swimming all day but it is too late. I said I was just going to get some sun. Vitamin D is very important after all. And After this week I will not able to be in direct sun for the rest of the summer with radiation so, I had to take advantage of it, right. And then, all the brats left and no one was at the pool.....and I went in. Just for a few minutes. I used the same rational with myself I used for my sushi failure a few weeks ago...I've lived through brain surgery, chemo, who knows how many hurricanes.....if I'm due to die from some pool bacteria, so be it. Then alas a whole family invaded, complete with grandma, sisters and her kids, blahhhhh, I was outta there. But it felt good!!!
So now I am ready for my sunless summer. I have never been a sun person until I had to face the fact that I would not be allowed in the sun all summer. So odd. So enjoy your summer heat for me this yr and remember, if it were taken away and you had to be locked in buildings with no choice all summer, you'd miss it.
Radiation side effects (I like to pre-answer questions I know you have) - I will loose all my hair, she said that question she can answer for sure. I will be tired but to what degree that varies from person to person so she can't answer. Being so young places things in my favor, being immediately after brain surgery and chemo goes against me, so who knows. The biggest concern is one I did not even know of. By doing whole brain radiation my pituitary gland will most likely be impacted. By the intern's words I am doing "mass doses" of radiation. What does that mean? The pituitary gland controls the thyroid so it could stop working which would result in me either taking meds for that or even possible thyroid removal....yeah, more scars, I already have more lines on me that Rand McNally, oh well. I told my Dr if I get the thyroid problem that makes me too skinny I would not be seeking treatment but with my luck, who are we kidding, I'll get the thyroid problem that puts on weight and pack back on my pre-chemo pounds. Oh well, we'll cross that bridge later I guess. My sisters should be very proud, I told the WHOLE ugly truth in that paragraph of possible concerns.
Programming note - On Sept. 5 all of the major networks will simulcast a charity event for cancer research. This organization and event were founded by Katie Couric, as you may or may not know she has lost both her husband and sister to cancer and has done mountains for research over the past decade as a result of those horrible losses. The website for more information is www.standup2cancer.org I have a "team" established there if you would like to join for support, solidarity, whatever. No donations required to join. Anyway, the name if you want to join is "In all things give thanks".
I never thought I'd truly give thanks for cancer, but I do, it has forever changed me and as a result my view, my impact, my core self. For every blessing he pours out, I will turn back to praise.
Ok dear ones, that's all I have for now.
God bless and keep you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~Jeremiah 29:11
June 17, 2008 Update
Hi all, I never sent out last week's so I am combining. This will probably be it for a couple weeks as they say it takes that long before the radiation side effects kick in.
6/17/08
Hey all. Hope this message finds you well.
I met the Radiation oncologist yesterday and his team seems very nice. They took a lot of time with me and I go back Friday for my "fitting" of my helmet/ mask thing and will hopefully start radiation as early as Tuesday.
Last week was a bit surreal. On Sunday 6/8 a co-worker was driving back from Houston seeing her in laws when a truck on the other side of I 45 was going 80 mph and switched lanes, clipped the front fender of a car, spun, hit a culvert, and flew across the grassy median, landing on top of her truck, resulting in the 18 wheeler behind them running over her and her hubby also. She died on impact, husband is on life support, paralyzed and he has had a stroke but still technically alive. Meagan was 29. Was quite a shock to our small company. She was over benefits, insurance, etc so she knew everyone....and your intimate problems, medical conditions, etc. There were more intricacies to this story and the trickle effect it would have in the following week as details come out when someone dies. I will not go into details but it made me ask myself some tough questions about ethics, morals, what our role as a friend, co-worker, boss, even company executive (ok, so I'm a jr. executive but I am on the official email distribution for executives so I am going to use it!!!!!!)
It's interesting. We can sit and know, be certain some things are inexcusable, horrible, hurtful, clearly black and white WRONG. But what is your role when it is someone you care about who has done wrong? Especially if it is too late for them to make things fully right. Some things very sadly you can't take back.
Tangent with me for a few more lines and I promise I'll get to a point....
You know we've all seen people go through breakups and been through them ourselves. One tidbit that always strikes me obviously odd is the question of "I don't know if I still love them?" I have no comprehension of such. Love is never ending. Love is without condition. Would any parent tell their child "I don't love you because you did______?" Of course not. Even if your child murdered someone in cold blood, you would hopefully get them help, but you would be there, with love and support to get them through the bad time and hopefully close to God. It is like that with any relationship......you either love or you do not. I think it is just easier for people to say they stopped loving than to admit they never did or even admit they still do but refuse to work at it. I think this has gotten worse with each generation as divorce increases exponentially. We have a generation of people who have been told by their loved ones that love IS conditional, love CAN end as an explanation for divorce. And we wonder why so many kids are messed up.
So how does that relate. Well, in my opinion, we always have a responsibility to those we care about to be honest, totally honest. If you are a person of conviction, they know where you stand before you even verbalize it in the instance. And then our responsibility to those we love is to be there. Be there to support the person and help them get through, no matter how much you are against the action they have done. A pastor once said the closest we can ever be to Godly is forgiving someone, especially if they don't deserve it, because after all, none of us do.
I went to my co-workers funeral in Houston.
I was scared to #1 travel, that was my first trip since Christmas, not sure what I was afraid of really, just afraid. I was also scared of a funeral. Scared I would totally loose it. But I didn't, i was quite composed and did my duty to be a good friend.
The point of all of that rambling was I think I shocked myself in that I just did my duty, served my role and realized sometimes that is all we are called to do but it can be the hardest thing to do, especially if it is not a favored or popular situation. Sometimes, there is no editorial needed and no words will make the same impact as shutting up but being there, who knew? I also had it reinforced that perspective is everything. Many of you have heard me say before that the only difference between your best friend and worst enemy is that you CHOOSE to accepts the faults of your friends and you CHOOSE to not accept the faults of your enemies/ others. I mean truly, we all have some people we love who might look a bit shady on paper, but alas, love is unconditional.
Song of the week
There's a cross on the side of the roadWhere a mother lost a sonHow could she know that the morning he leftWould be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more timeSo she could say she loved him one more timeAnd hold him tightBut with life we never knowWhen we're coming up to the end of the roadSo what do we do thenWith tragedy around the bend?Chorus:We live we loveWe forgive and never give upCuz the days we are given are gifts from aboveToday we remember to live and to loveWe live we loveWe forgive and never give upCuz the days we are given are gifts from aboveToday we remember to live and to loveThere is a man who waits for the testsTo see if the cancer has spread yetAnd now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"If I could have the time back how I'd liveLife is such a giftSo how does the story end?Well this is your story and it all dependsSo don't let it become trueGet out and do what we are meant to do
6/17/08
Hey all. Hope this message finds you well.
I met the Radiation oncologist yesterday and his team seems very nice. They took a lot of time with me and I go back Friday for my "fitting" of my helmet/ mask thing and will hopefully start radiation as early as Tuesday.
Last week was a bit surreal. On Sunday 6/8 a co-worker was driving back from Houston seeing her in laws when a truck on the other side of I 45 was going 80 mph and switched lanes, clipped the front fender of a car, spun, hit a culvert, and flew across the grassy median, landing on top of her truck, resulting in the 18 wheeler behind them running over her and her hubby also. She died on impact, husband is on life support, paralyzed and he has had a stroke but still technically alive. Meagan was 29. Was quite a shock to our small company. She was over benefits, insurance, etc so she knew everyone....and your intimate problems, medical conditions, etc. There were more intricacies to this story and the trickle effect it would have in the following week as details come out when someone dies. I will not go into details but it made me ask myself some tough questions about ethics, morals, what our role as a friend, co-worker, boss, even company executive (ok, so I'm a jr. executive but I am on the official email distribution for executives so I am going to use it!!!!!!)
It's interesting. We can sit and know, be certain some things are inexcusable, horrible, hurtful, clearly black and white WRONG. But what is your role when it is someone you care about who has done wrong? Especially if it is too late for them to make things fully right. Some things very sadly you can't take back.
Tangent with me for a few more lines and I promise I'll get to a point....
You know we've all seen people go through breakups and been through them ourselves. One tidbit that always strikes me obviously odd is the question of "I don't know if I still love them?" I have no comprehension of such. Love is never ending. Love is without condition. Would any parent tell their child "I don't love you because you did______?" Of course not. Even if your child murdered someone in cold blood, you would hopefully get them help, but you would be there, with love and support to get them through the bad time and hopefully close to God. It is like that with any relationship......you either love or you do not. I think it is just easier for people to say they stopped loving than to admit they never did or even admit they still do but refuse to work at it. I think this has gotten worse with each generation as divorce increases exponentially. We have a generation of people who have been told by their loved ones that love IS conditional, love CAN end as an explanation for divorce. And we wonder why so many kids are messed up.
So how does that relate. Well, in my opinion, we always have a responsibility to those we care about to be honest, totally honest. If you are a person of conviction, they know where you stand before you even verbalize it in the instance. And then our responsibility to those we love is to be there. Be there to support the person and help them get through, no matter how much you are against the action they have done. A pastor once said the closest we can ever be to Godly is forgiving someone, especially if they don't deserve it, because after all, none of us do.
I went to my co-workers funeral in Houston.
I was scared to #1 travel, that was my first trip since Christmas, not sure what I was afraid of really, just afraid. I was also scared of a funeral. Scared I would totally loose it. But I didn't, i was quite composed and did my duty to be a good friend.
The point of all of that rambling was I think I shocked myself in that I just did my duty, served my role and realized sometimes that is all we are called to do but it can be the hardest thing to do, especially if it is not a favored or popular situation. Sometimes, there is no editorial needed and no words will make the same impact as shutting up but being there, who knew? I also had it reinforced that perspective is everything. Many of you have heard me say before that the only difference between your best friend and worst enemy is that you CHOOSE to accepts the faults of your friends and you CHOOSE to not accept the faults of your enemies/ others. I mean truly, we all have some people we love who might look a bit shady on paper, but alas, love is unconditional.
Song of the week
There's a cross on the side of the roadWhere a mother lost a sonHow could she know that the morning he leftWould be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more timeSo she could say she loved him one more timeAnd hold him tightBut with life we never knowWhen we're coming up to the end of the roadSo what do we do thenWith tragedy around the bend?Chorus:We live we loveWe forgive and never give upCuz the days we are given are gifts from aboveToday we remember to live and to loveWe live we loveWe forgive and never give upCuz the days we are given are gifts from aboveToday we remember to live and to loveThere is a man who waits for the testsTo see if the cancer has spread yetAnd now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"If I could have the time back how I'd liveLife is such a giftSo how does the story end?Well this is your story and it all dependsSo don't let it become trueGet out and do what we are meant to do
June 7, 2008 Update
Sorry this message is late. Last weekend I was just totally wiped out and did not get an update typed. Well chemotherapy is complete. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
It was a long 18 weeks but finally over. I could not get an appointment to see the radiation oncologist I want to see until 6/16 so just in waiting now. I will know more then. It will take at least a couple of weeks for the radiation team to prep for my treatment so we are probably looking at the first week of July at the earliest. So that’s what I know for now. I may be able to travel for July 4th if I haven't done radiation yet but it depends how tired I feel. I have been wiped the past month. I am back to coming home and being in bed by 7 or 8 pm most days. We'll see how I feel. I am trying to think of a fun endeavor.
There is a sense of relief in being complete with the first stage but I will not feel like I can fully exhale until all is over. I have a fear of celebrating too soon.
It is amazing to go through something like this and be amazed at the loyalty of some people….sometimes those you least expect it from. I have a couple of business contacts that I have never even met face to face who have been shockingly loyal in calling, emailing and offering up prayer. How odd?
I also have one dear friend who I would name here but that would embarrass his humble soul hidden by a, well, not even sure how to describe the exterior….anyway. This person became an unlikely friend in college and has be amazingly loyal ever since… through all of this as well. I think it means more because I know such things make him uncomfortable but he has sucked it up and just been there consistently to make me laugh, listen, and even get angry with. I started thinking about all the amazing people in my life. I mean, even when I send this update I have to break my distribution list in half or it goes into spam files for many of you because it is so big. That is really something. Odd to measure your friends by the size of your email distro I suppose. Anyway…I am blessed with friends who will show up to rescue you after an explosion on a Sunday after noon in Mississippi, friends who will get in the car on a whim with no notice and just start driving to meet wherever halfway ends up being hours later for dinner as we talk on cell phones, or even let you bring 2 dates to their wedding…..and it had open bar.
So my next thought was about people who have no one praying for them. Some of you know this is something that haunts me pretty regularly….the thought that there are people no one ever prays for. How heartbreaking is that? Think about it, let that thought wash over you…..wow…miserable thought. I think we take it for granted when we sit in church ever y Sunday or have Mom’s who nag but it happens and it aches my heart in the reality that there are some people who’s Mom never brought them to church, they didn’t grow up with Godly neighbors who kept an eye out, they have no friends who would help them escape the country in the event of a major crime committed. Ok, just making sure you were paying attention….but you know what they say…A good friend will bail you out of jail….a great friend would be sitting there beside you.
So the point? Stop and take some time to truly thank God for the people in your life who pray for you. And take a look around you at those who may have absolutely no one praying for them and add them to your list.
I am now going through the accompanying book to A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. I actually think I like the Experience Guide more than the book. Anyway…..It talks about Hesed, the Hebrew word for the indescribable or undefinable. A more simple translation may be “why.” Why am I sick? Why did my loved one die? At the core of hesed is that it is perceived as unmerited or undeserved. Interestingly enough the same concept is Grace, another undeserved why. Why does God love us? Why did he chose to save us? Why? Ok that is bordering on the Covey Principle of 5 Why’s to root cause analysis so…moving right along.
When we are in a period of Hesed or “why” we reach out to God, typically through sorrow or lament and somehow that is how we find him again, get closer to him, as we seek more answers we seek him. I think this is probably why we are to give thanks in all things. Even a sorrowful pain is being used by God to bring us closer to him and ultimately aid in our sanctification. I also think it is a sign of true spiritual maturity when you can stop in the middle of a horrific event and say “even now I give thanks because I know God is using this for my ultimate benefit.”
The book goes on to list dozens of examples from the bible when one starts out lamenting to God and then shifts to praising God, this abrupt shift is thought to be when God’s presence shows. How awesome is that…even in our deepest saddest moments the very presence of God will show up and provide comfort and again draw us closer to him. For some lamenting and sorrow is a regular ocurrence but it should not be looked at as a curse. Think of Job, he suffered much but remained faithful to continue seeking God and God in turn was faithful to Job.
For those whom God has a great purpose for, he has to bring through a great preparation. Unfortunately for our weak little fleshly bodies, growing pains are a reality.
So what trials have you been through? You made it, right? You’re still here online, reading my dribble. God obviously brought you through it. Take some time to think about all the trials he has brought you personally through.
Now give thanks.
And the next time you find yourself crying out to God, keep crying out or lamenting…he will show up and give you peace, give you strength and you can be sure will carry on to praise him another day.
What is our worst case scenario? A lifetime in heaven with him? Sounds like a win-win solution to me. Ok, another Covey reference, eeeks. I have to stop reading all those books, they really are getting ingrained into me.
Hair update: I know this is really why y’all read my emails. I have cut it even shorter as I prep to potentially loose it all during radiation. Think a brunette Reba McIntyre when she first started her TV show…short with little flips up in the back. And yes, I did find a platinum blonde wig. How come all the hair on my head has started falling out but I still have to shave my legs? So unfair. And not one of those little white hairs in my part fell out……so unfair.
Most of you probably saw on the news Teddy Kennedy has a brain tumor and originally they were not even going to operate b/c he is terminal but then they chose to go ahead in the hopes of relieving some pain for him as well as aid in research and my hope is awareness. No I do not have the same type of tumor as he has but it has already brought great awareness. My oncologist said her phone has been ringing off the hook and she has even been on Dallas news. I asked her why there isn’t more publicity for brain tumors since they are one of the most lethal forms of cancer and she sadly but honestly answered me….because most people, even famous people don’t live long enough to do anything publicly. For example….did you notice Yves St Laurent also got a brain tumor in May? He has already passed away….no great drama to follow there because it happened so quickly so it was a footnote in most news cycles. If you do any research you’ll find that the amount of money the government (we) allocate does not match death rates or frequency. For example look at heart disease, number one killer of women but not the #1 money recipient. Don’t get me wrong, all cancer , all disease is horrible, atrocious and I am biased for heart disease because it is so near and dear to my family on both sides taking many members of our family over the years but my point is to be aware of where our tax dollars are going to and be aware of why. And if so inclined, make a difference. We have now been touched by the tragedy of Primary T-cell Central Nervous System Lymphoma, so we can be the voice, we can be the publicity, we can be the change.
I’m sitting by the pool in my apt complex as I write this. I can’t remember the last time I wanted to go swimming so badly. Probably not since I was 9. Amazing how we want things more when we can’t have them (too many germs in a public pool per my no-no packet from the doctor). And watching the little apt complex germ cesspools (aka children) diving in and out of the pool makes me agree, way too many germs. Eeeks, one just spit…gross. I think I need a better job, I need to be able to afford a private pool, it is decided….and of course, then a poolboy b/c I am soooo not cleaning that thing myself. Maybe I need to make friends with someone who has a pool. Ana and Nathan – y’all live close….buy a new house with a pool but in the same area so I don’t have to trek far.
I did finally break down and have some sushi (also on the no-no list) it was not super great but good and I always stick to smoked salmon but I could only be good for so long. I haven’t had any since like December. It was ok. I need a Seattle roll so Michelle, the next time you come visit your dad, wrap 2 up and put in an ice chest for me. I can’t find the exact same thing here. A zillion restaurants in Dallas but not that exact roll. Grrrr.
Ok, I’m rambling.
Oh and for this week’s Ipod update…..Cher’s Greatest hits but I keep replaying “Strong Enough.” It was written for a different purpose but it still encourages me for some reason. And it would be great post breakups…particularly if you have been traded in for someone younger, thinner, or surgically altered which probably gives the illusion of the previous 2 items. Just a thought.
God bless and keep you all.
It was a long 18 weeks but finally over. I could not get an appointment to see the radiation oncologist I want to see until 6/16 so just in waiting now. I will know more then. It will take at least a couple of weeks for the radiation team to prep for my treatment so we are probably looking at the first week of July at the earliest. So that’s what I know for now. I may be able to travel for July 4th if I haven't done radiation yet but it depends how tired I feel. I have been wiped the past month. I am back to coming home and being in bed by 7 or 8 pm most days. We'll see how I feel. I am trying to think of a fun endeavor.
There is a sense of relief in being complete with the first stage but I will not feel like I can fully exhale until all is over. I have a fear of celebrating too soon.
It is amazing to go through something like this and be amazed at the loyalty of some people….sometimes those you least expect it from. I have a couple of business contacts that I have never even met face to face who have been shockingly loyal in calling, emailing and offering up prayer. How odd?
I also have one dear friend who I would name here but that would embarrass his humble soul hidden by a, well, not even sure how to describe the exterior….anyway. This person became an unlikely friend in college and has be amazingly loyal ever since… through all of this as well. I think it means more because I know such things make him uncomfortable but he has sucked it up and just been there consistently to make me laugh, listen, and even get angry with. I started thinking about all the amazing people in my life. I mean, even when I send this update I have to break my distribution list in half or it goes into spam files for many of you because it is so big. That is really something. Odd to measure your friends by the size of your email distro I suppose. Anyway…I am blessed with friends who will show up to rescue you after an explosion on a Sunday after noon in Mississippi, friends who will get in the car on a whim with no notice and just start driving to meet wherever halfway ends up being hours later for dinner as we talk on cell phones, or even let you bring 2 dates to their wedding…..and it had open bar.
So my next thought was about people who have no one praying for them. Some of you know this is something that haunts me pretty regularly….the thought that there are people no one ever prays for. How heartbreaking is that? Think about it, let that thought wash over you…..wow…miserable thought. I think we take it for granted when we sit in church ever y Sunday or have Mom’s who nag but it happens and it aches my heart in the reality that there are some people who’s Mom never brought them to church, they didn’t grow up with Godly neighbors who kept an eye out, they have no friends who would help them escape the country in the event of a major crime committed. Ok, just making sure you were paying attention….but you know what they say…A good friend will bail you out of jail….a great friend would be sitting there beside you.
So the point? Stop and take some time to truly thank God for the people in your life who pray for you. And take a look around you at those who may have absolutely no one praying for them and add them to your list.
I am now going through the accompanying book to A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. I actually think I like the Experience Guide more than the book. Anyway…..It talks about Hesed, the Hebrew word for the indescribable or undefinable. A more simple translation may be “why.” Why am I sick? Why did my loved one die? At the core of hesed is that it is perceived as unmerited or undeserved. Interestingly enough the same concept is Grace, another undeserved why. Why does God love us? Why did he chose to save us? Why? Ok that is bordering on the Covey Principle of 5 Why’s to root cause analysis so…moving right along.
When we are in a period of Hesed or “why” we reach out to God, typically through sorrow or lament and somehow that is how we find him again, get closer to him, as we seek more answers we seek him. I think this is probably why we are to give thanks in all things. Even a sorrowful pain is being used by God to bring us closer to him and ultimately aid in our sanctification. I also think it is a sign of true spiritual maturity when you can stop in the middle of a horrific event and say “even now I give thanks because I know God is using this for my ultimate benefit.”
The book goes on to list dozens of examples from the bible when one starts out lamenting to God and then shifts to praising God, this abrupt shift is thought to be when God’s presence shows. How awesome is that…even in our deepest saddest moments the very presence of God will show up and provide comfort and again draw us closer to him. For some lamenting and sorrow is a regular ocurrence but it should not be looked at as a curse. Think of Job, he suffered much but remained faithful to continue seeking God and God in turn was faithful to Job.
For those whom God has a great purpose for, he has to bring through a great preparation. Unfortunately for our weak little fleshly bodies, growing pains are a reality.
So what trials have you been through? You made it, right? You’re still here online, reading my dribble. God obviously brought you through it. Take some time to think about all the trials he has brought you personally through.
Now give thanks.
And the next time you find yourself crying out to God, keep crying out or lamenting…he will show up and give you peace, give you strength and you can be sure will carry on to praise him another day.
What is our worst case scenario? A lifetime in heaven with him? Sounds like a win-win solution to me. Ok, another Covey reference, eeeks. I have to stop reading all those books, they really are getting ingrained into me.
Hair update: I know this is really why y’all read my emails. I have cut it even shorter as I prep to potentially loose it all during radiation. Think a brunette Reba McIntyre when she first started her TV show…short with little flips up in the back. And yes, I did find a platinum blonde wig. How come all the hair on my head has started falling out but I still have to shave my legs? So unfair. And not one of those little white hairs in my part fell out……so unfair.
Most of you probably saw on the news Teddy Kennedy has a brain tumor and originally they were not even going to operate b/c he is terminal but then they chose to go ahead in the hopes of relieving some pain for him as well as aid in research and my hope is awareness. No I do not have the same type of tumor as he has but it has already brought great awareness. My oncologist said her phone has been ringing off the hook and she has even been on Dallas news. I asked her why there isn’t more publicity for brain tumors since they are one of the most lethal forms of cancer and she sadly but honestly answered me….because most people, even famous people don’t live long enough to do anything publicly. For example….did you notice Yves St Laurent also got a brain tumor in May? He has already passed away….no great drama to follow there because it happened so quickly so it was a footnote in most news cycles. If you do any research you’ll find that the amount of money the government (we) allocate does not match death rates or frequency. For example look at heart disease, number one killer of women but not the #1 money recipient. Don’t get me wrong, all cancer , all disease is horrible, atrocious and I am biased for heart disease because it is so near and dear to my family on both sides taking many members of our family over the years but my point is to be aware of where our tax dollars are going to and be aware of why. And if so inclined, make a difference. We have now been touched by the tragedy of Primary T-cell Central Nervous System Lymphoma, so we can be the voice, we can be the publicity, we can be the change.
I’m sitting by the pool in my apt complex as I write this. I can’t remember the last time I wanted to go swimming so badly. Probably not since I was 9. Amazing how we want things more when we can’t have them (too many germs in a public pool per my no-no packet from the doctor). And watching the little apt complex germ cesspools (aka children) diving in and out of the pool makes me agree, way too many germs. Eeeks, one just spit…gross. I think I need a better job, I need to be able to afford a private pool, it is decided….and of course, then a poolboy b/c I am soooo not cleaning that thing myself. Maybe I need to make friends with someone who has a pool. Ana and Nathan – y’all live close….buy a new house with a pool but in the same area so I don’t have to trek far.
I did finally break down and have some sushi (also on the no-no list) it was not super great but good and I always stick to smoked salmon but I could only be good for so long. I haven’t had any since like December. It was ok. I need a Seattle roll so Michelle, the next time you come visit your dad, wrap 2 up and put in an ice chest for me. I can’t find the exact same thing here. A zillion restaurants in Dallas but not that exact roll. Grrrr.
Ok, I’m rambling.
Oh and for this week’s Ipod update…..Cher’s Greatest hits but I keep replaying “Strong Enough.” It was written for a different purpose but it still encourages me for some reason. And it would be great post breakups…particularly if you have been traded in for someone younger, thinner, or surgically altered which probably gives the illusion of the previous 2 items. Just a thought.
God bless and keep you all.
May 17, 2008 Update
Quote of the week "don't wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don't."Well, 1 chemo left. All the nurses are ready to celebrate with me but I feel like this is only the halfway point since I still have to go through radiation. My doctor is working to see if I can get in to see the radiation oncologist this coming week so he can go ahead and get started with his team of physicists to figure out what angles they want to zap my with even before I do my last chemo that way I will not have to wait a month to start radiation, maybe more like 2 weeks after my last chemo.I bought wigs!!! I was unable to get the blonde wig I wanted because of my virtual planetoid head and she only had it in a small but I did get an awesome hand made wig that has a natural looking part. I forget what they are called but it looks totally natural on b/c you can see a part line and you think you are seeing the scalp even. So it is in dark brown almost black, shoulder length. And I also got a very light brown almost blonde one with a more tailored cut around my face, but also shoulder length. It is not one of the super duper handmade wigs but it's ok. So on my closet shelf I have little styrofoam heads with wigs on them, just kinda odd when I open the closet every morning. I'll get that blonde wig yet!
I actually got a card this weekend from the lady who owns the wig shop I purchased at. It may just be a wonderful marketing ploy she sends to all of her customers but hey, it worked. I was touched that I had impacted her enough for her to send a beautiful Christian note to me. And for those who are updating their Ipods here is what I've been listening to this week. And as I always, I have certain pieces that play through my head as I go along each day. That is what I am listing here.
Mountain of God by Third DayEven though the journey's long And I know the road is hard Well, the One who's gone before me He will help me carry on After all that I've been through Now I realize the truth That I must go through the valley To stand upon the mountain of God
The first song was one of encouragement as we travel through life's journeys, knowing Christ has gone before us and this world is the valley to our ultimate life on the Mountain with God. The second song is pure poetry. It speaks of traveling the world seeking what one is missing to find it was there to begin with; it's about finding yourself, which ultimately is what we are all trying to do in life. Find our place, our path, our purpose. We are forever changed by our experiences. And many things that appear as "heaven" to us end up being overrated when we experience them. The best we can hope for is that we didn't give up too much on the ground while we were trying to reach for the stars. That in our search for wonders, what we really needed hasn't been lost forever due to our foolishness. The lyrics speak of being on a "soul vacation," ponder that for just a moment. I have had this CD since it first came out years ago, but heard it on the radio last Saturday when I was crying my eyes out because I was too ill to go home for my dear friend's grandmother's funeral. I felt like I finally got it. Here is a couple bits. Look it up if you don't know it.
Drops of Jupiter by Train
Now that shes back in the atmosphereWith drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, heyShe acts like summer and walks like rainReminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sunDid you make it to the milky way to see the lights all fadedAnd that heaven is overratedTell me, did you fall for a shooting starOne without a permanent scarAnd did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out thereNow that shes back from that soul vacationTracing her way through the constellation, hey, heyShe checks out mozart while she does tae-boReminds me that theres time to grow, hey, heyAnd then this weekend I dug through and found an old favorite that I think of every time I look down at my charm bracelet and see the word "Dream" on. (If you don't get that reference it refers to a previous update) "Before you knew me I was a fairy princess, I caught frogs and called them princes because I was taught to dream. I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails and I believe in Peter Pan and Miracles, anything I can to get by..." Faith Hill, Fireflies If only we could see things the way we saw them before we were "taught" to see life. How different would it be if children of the world, made the world's decisions?
Yeah, this has turned into my music review.
I'm going to stop my bi-weekly update now and insert pieces of an email that I received from my cherished friend Kami this week. The thing with old friends is, you know you can do things like mass email out a personal email they sent you and if they didn't want it advertised, you know they'll forgive you because they've already forgiven a multitude of mistakes.
Kami is a youth Director, just fyi as she speaks about her "job." She is also deeply affeceted by music, unlike me, however, God gave her an amazing voice to express through.
"In one of my sessions in Princeton, we were talking about conflict resolution and solving problems. Someone said that she felt her job was about "managing brokenness" and that phrase will stick with me forever. We are all broken in some way. We all have our issues, our failures, and God is constantly trying to put those little pieces back together for us. Just when it seems we've almost got things fixed, something else breaks and we have to start all over again. Thankfully, God uses broken people-especially ones who recognize their brokenness!! There is a song that constantly runs through my mind because it describes me so well:
Something beautiful, something good
All my confusion, He understood
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
But He made something beautiful of my life!
When I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, I sing that song and realize that God is there just waiting for me to bring those pieces to Him because I can't put them back together on my own. I have a God that loves me so much that he wants to use me even when I feel completely useless. How awesome is that?!
With that said, when I read what you wrote I thought of another song.......it perfectly describes the way I feel about everyone who has ever meant anything to me--even those who I no longer see or speak to..... It's called For Good and it's from the musical Wicked. Here are the lyrics:
I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return
Now I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you--I have been changed for good
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend
Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you--I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you've blamed me for
But then I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And, because I knew you--I have been changed for good
I know that was a little long, but they're such beautiful words and they perfectly capture what's in my heart. I continue to pray for you and I know that God is working to put the pieces back together for you.
I love you.
Kami"
Thank you to all who continue to pray for me, call me, send me notes and just love me. I continue to be humbled and overwhelmed at God's people and the response one broken, totally unremarkable lady in a small corner of this big world continues to receive. Several people have told me they just keep looking for the right thing to say and as I told one friend last week, there is nothing right to say and in the end, all anyone ever remembers is that you were there, or that you called or emailed, not what the actual words are.
If you think of doing something good for someone do it, do it immediately before your common sense and logic overrides what could be the nudging of an angel.
True courage is following your heart when everyone and all common sense tells you not to.
May God bless and keep you all.
I actually got a card this weekend from the lady who owns the wig shop I purchased at. It may just be a wonderful marketing ploy she sends to all of her customers but hey, it worked. I was touched that I had impacted her enough for her to send a beautiful Christian note to me. And for those who are updating their Ipods here is what I've been listening to this week. And as I always, I have certain pieces that play through my head as I go along each day. That is what I am listing here.
Mountain of God by Third DayEven though the journey's long And I know the road is hard Well, the One who's gone before me He will help me carry on After all that I've been through Now I realize the truth That I must go through the valley To stand upon the mountain of God
The first song was one of encouragement as we travel through life's journeys, knowing Christ has gone before us and this world is the valley to our ultimate life on the Mountain with God. The second song is pure poetry. It speaks of traveling the world seeking what one is missing to find it was there to begin with; it's about finding yourself, which ultimately is what we are all trying to do in life. Find our place, our path, our purpose. We are forever changed by our experiences. And many things that appear as "heaven" to us end up being overrated when we experience them. The best we can hope for is that we didn't give up too much on the ground while we were trying to reach for the stars. That in our search for wonders, what we really needed hasn't been lost forever due to our foolishness. The lyrics speak of being on a "soul vacation," ponder that for just a moment. I have had this CD since it first came out years ago, but heard it on the radio last Saturday when I was crying my eyes out because I was too ill to go home for my dear friend's grandmother's funeral. I felt like I finally got it. Here is a couple bits. Look it up if you don't know it.
Drops of Jupiter by Train
Now that shes back in the atmosphereWith drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, heyShe acts like summer and walks like rainReminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sunDid you make it to the milky way to see the lights all fadedAnd that heaven is overratedTell me, did you fall for a shooting starOne without a permanent scarAnd did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out thereNow that shes back from that soul vacationTracing her way through the constellation, hey, heyShe checks out mozart while she does tae-boReminds me that theres time to grow, hey, heyAnd then this weekend I dug through and found an old favorite that I think of every time I look down at my charm bracelet and see the word "Dream" on. (If you don't get that reference it refers to a previous update) "Before you knew me I was a fairy princess, I caught frogs and called them princes because I was taught to dream. I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails and I believe in Peter Pan and Miracles, anything I can to get by..." Faith Hill, Fireflies If only we could see things the way we saw them before we were "taught" to see life. How different would it be if children of the world, made the world's decisions?
Yeah, this has turned into my music review.
I'm going to stop my bi-weekly update now and insert pieces of an email that I received from my cherished friend Kami this week. The thing with old friends is, you know you can do things like mass email out a personal email they sent you and if they didn't want it advertised, you know they'll forgive you because they've already forgiven a multitude of mistakes.
Kami is a youth Director, just fyi as she speaks about her "job." She is also deeply affeceted by music, unlike me, however, God gave her an amazing voice to express through.
"In one of my sessions in Princeton, we were talking about conflict resolution and solving problems. Someone said that she felt her job was about "managing brokenness" and that phrase will stick with me forever. We are all broken in some way. We all have our issues, our failures, and God is constantly trying to put those little pieces back together for us. Just when it seems we've almost got things fixed, something else breaks and we have to start all over again. Thankfully, God uses broken people-especially ones who recognize their brokenness!! There is a song that constantly runs through my mind because it describes me so well:
Something beautiful, something good
All my confusion, He understood
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
But He made something beautiful of my life!
When I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, I sing that song and realize that God is there just waiting for me to bring those pieces to Him because I can't put them back together on my own. I have a God that loves me so much that he wants to use me even when I feel completely useless. How awesome is that?!
With that said, when I read what you wrote I thought of another song.......it perfectly describes the way I feel about everyone who has ever meant anything to me--even those who I no longer see or speak to..... It's called For Good and it's from the musical Wicked. Here are the lyrics:
I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return
Now I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you--I have been changed for good
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend
Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you--I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you've blamed me for
But then I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And, because I knew you--I have been changed for good
I know that was a little long, but they're such beautiful words and they perfectly capture what's in my heart. I continue to pray for you and I know that God is working to put the pieces back together for you.
I love you.
Kami"
Thank you to all who continue to pray for me, call me, send me notes and just love me. I continue to be humbled and overwhelmed at God's people and the response one broken, totally unremarkable lady in a small corner of this big world continues to receive. Several people have told me they just keep looking for the right thing to say and as I told one friend last week, there is nothing right to say and in the end, all anyone ever remembers is that you were there, or that you called or emailed, not what the actual words are.
If you think of doing something good for someone do it, do it immediately before your common sense and logic overrides what could be the nudging of an angel.
True courage is following your heart when everyone and all common sense tells you not to.
May God bless and keep you all.
May 4, 2008 Update
I started not to send this out and do another "everything is fine" quick email like last time but I am going to go ahead. I've spent my whole life hiding my vulnerabilities, I think it's time I was real. And hopefully some will be encouraged even with this week's message. That has always been my goal. When I stop being an encouragement, one of y'all better write me and say "enough." I think after my last treatment I was so emotionally clogged I couldn't even verbalize.
7 chemos down, 2 to go.
The past few weeks I've felt so, irritable and overloaded. I kept blaming work, which is busy and my oncologist said the number one complaint her patients have is when they go back to work everyone expects them to do what they did before at the same pace, etc. They're back at work, they look fine, so they must be fine. And this has been a huge frustration and area causing me great mental irritability. But the one thing I have always been good at is self evaluation and honesty about who I am and how I deal with things.
In business I always ask "what's the pattern" whether it be human behavior, system performance or business procedures, patterns hold all the answers good or bad and will ultimately tell you where to make change or make something a best practice. I realized a pattern in myself last week. I've had 5-6 MRI scans since this all began. And I always cry during them. Now an MRI is the most painless thing they do to me so it doesn't make any sense that they can drive a 1 inch nail width needle call a port pic into me every other week and I take a deep breath and go with the flow but lying still for half an hour sends me into tears. The first time was the day they diagnosed me and I blew it off as "this is the first time I've been alone and it is all just hitting me." The next day they did another one and the same thing was my excuse "I've been locked in a hospital room with my family and this is my first alone time." The next one was the morning after brain surgery so I figured I was just scared of bad results. The next one was a 3 hour long MRI so I decided I cried b/c I was irritated it took so long. Then I had one after my third chemo and even though the Cat scan had already shown all the cancer gone, I still cried in the MRI chamber and I lied there asking myself "why are you crying?" Well last week I had another after chemo #6 (no matter if you are already clean protocol is still a scan after every 3 chemo treatments) and again I lied there crying for the whole 20 minutes (I'm certain the MRI techs think I have some screws loose and they always ask if I'm ok). So I opted not to go back to work but go home that day and as I drove home trying to piece my knowledge of my life together into something that would make sense it occurred to me. I attacked my cancer as I do all things in life, form a plan, establish the steps needed to execute such plan and then proceed full steam ahead toward success.
Well my key points to measurable success for all of this were
#1 prove to my family that I don't need a babysitter - this was needed for several important reasons
a) they have their own families and jobs to maintain secure which is indeed their priority
b) I cannot stand feeling like a burden to anyone/ I'm certain this has lots to do with being single as well but I can only have so many revelations a week, I'll work through the intricacies of why this bothers me so much later. I think part of it goes hand in hand with my career. Since I have nothing else to show for my life, no kids, no hubby, no Southern Living model home, I sure as blazes better be the best of the best in my career.
#2 Prove to my company that I was still a capable employee. I mean it's one thing to get cancer, but I had people scraping on my brain, they weren't sure I was going to be able to brush my own teeth much less run a corporate division when all was said and done. So I had to come back to work like gangbusters to prove I was the same me, that I could still do my job, and that I am worth my annual bonus which had better be good come June.
So what does that have to do with crying in the MRI chamber?
It's the only time when I am totally quiet and still. I am a master of the multi-task. I can have a phone conversation, an IM conversation, read a report and type stats into Excel all at the same time. I run full speed all day. I wake up at night with ideas for work and jot them down, if I am "resting" I read a book or a magazine or watch TV........I haven't just sat since December. I've been so focused on the next step and what I can do to succeed. Succeed at fighting cancer, succeed at not worrying my family, succeed at being the star employee at work. So when they lie me on that cold table and slide me all the way in so my arms can't even move and lock my head in place, I have no distraction. It's not even that I think, it's the opposite, it's like I stop working so hard and my brain gets to just rest and process and the result is big emotional stuff. And it all just kind of rolls out of me, out of my eyes down my face. I've been so focused on achieving certain things, I still really haven't processed that I had cancer. I don't know what that means even. I mean, there are days when I hurt and ache and cry and say to myself "today I feel like a cancer patient." But what do you do? I mean what are the options? So far, no one has given me any options. I guess I could have refused surgery or chemo or whatever but that would be pretty selfish to family to just give up. But I can't lie, it crosses my mind. I'm not scared to die but I am really hating the pain. 4 months of pain is too long and it will be mid-August before I'm through with this. January - August...that's a long time.
I have always had this trait of preparing for the worst case scenario. I always thought it was a good way to live life. If I am prepared for the worst and have a plan then I know I can handle whatever comes along b/c in reality the worst usually doesn't happen but if it does, I'm ready. This often actually gave me peace....once I knew what my plan was and that I had a manageable plan for the worst case scenario for any event in my life, then I could sit back and chill out knowing I was ready.
I wasn't ready for a brain tumor. I was ready with all my past issues for some type of female cancer so I got checked quarterly for any changes there. With my family history I was ready for diabetes, arthritis even heart disease or colon problems. But brain tumor.......was not on my list. And it all happened so fast which I still know is a blessing from God, but there were no long weeks of tests or dozens of Dr visits trying to figure out what was wrong.....just bam....here it is and here is what we have to do to you, like it or not. So when it was all over, I was so shocked and thankful to have just lived thru the surgery much less come out with not a hint of damage. It made me think of the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in Daniel. When they came out of the fire there was not even a hint of the smell of smoke on them. I don't know why that always spoke to me. I can smell a smoker from a mile away and the smell of smoke never gets out of your clothes and hair, just always really resonated with me, that was true protection. That's how protected they had been by God's hand. Now I will never compare myself to Shad, Shach and Bennie b/c there faith is, well the stuff stories in the bible are made of but I do know that only the hands of those guided by God could have done so well on me. I think I've spent a lot of my life preparing for things that never came to fruition, what a horrible waste! And at the end of the day.....the really horrible stuff comes out of nowhere and slams you like a freight train no matter how prepared you are. And you know, Shad, Shach and Bennie are never mentioned again after that story in the bible. Interesting. What did they do next? Well they were promoted...not sure to what, just lots of questions. Maybe just coming out of the fire with still your faith is enough? I wish I knew what they did next.
But I really didn't know what to do next. I feel like I should be doing something of some great purpose but I can't seem to find what it is. I feel like I should be accomplishing big things of eternal significance but most days I go in to work and spend hours upon hours in meetings planning for our company to earn the next million. Actually we really are a good company and focus on ways to serve our customers faster and safer. Don't get me wrong, when I hear what we call "actuals" which are actual emergency calls as opposed to the bazillion false alarms that go off at businesses and homes everyday, I am proud to play a part in that. To hear the eight yr old crying on the phone with our operator b/c her grandma had a heart attack and know that we got the ambulance there with the fastest response time in the industry, or our silent panic button saved a woman who was ambushed as she entered her home from being raped and murdered, I know there is value in the security business and I believe in it whole heartedly. I'm just not sure this is where I am supposed to be.
I did get loads of people to donate blood, thank you all by the way, especially the wimpy needle scaredy cats. I know who you are and love you all the more for going to give blood for me. I am certain it all went to people who didn't have a large network of family and friends to donate blood for them. I am thankful I didn't have to go through a transfusion although a couple of times I almost asked for one. The cancer circle tells me you feel so good after b/c you're not weak for at least a few days but alas, I never got low enough and didn't want to be greedy. I figured if I felt this bad and my counts were hi enough I didn't absolutely need it, then the blood should go to whomever was worse off than me.
Coincidently enough, the head nurse for my oncologist's office resigned. Callie said she couldn't take being around the fear of death all day. She would go home and cry for her patients at night. Oddly enough she and I are the same age, she said my case really hit her, she just kept saying these things shouldn't happen to young people, good people, etc. She is going to be teaching nursing starting this summer at the local college. One of the nurses on the actual chemo floor of the hospital (Racheal) said that I don't get to see how different I am from most patients. They were actually glad to see me crying this week b/c they were afraid I was staying in denial way too long. I was way too upbeat evidently for way too long. I asked her what I was supposed to be doing, crying in bed all day? She said no one gets this far without going through a really bitter phase and you haven't done that. She said that I say thank you for everything they do for me and don't have these horrific outbursts like most cancer patients do. I dunno, was good to hear I'm not the worst patient since I am the dietary diva to the guys in Nutrition. I never order anything on the menu and once when I checked in right before lunch they just sent me something which as soon as they were walking into my room I got queasy and screamed just get rid of the whole tray I'm gonna barf. (I'm having a major aversion to the smell of beef and they had chosen flank steak). So alas, the menu clerk calls me for my custom menu no matter how close to lunch time I check in now. And yes, I always thank him too.
So 5/30 is my last chemo. Then there will be about a month of them making a mold of my head, loads of scanning my body, the physicists determining how much radiation and at what angle the zap my brain. I will loose what's left of my hair. It's become more of a challenge each week but my hot rollers, teasing comb, and Aquanet have fought the good fight. They say my head will feel like it has a sunburn so I am thinking I will just increase the scarf collection during radiation b/c I probably won't want anything much touching it.
And yes, I am going to see a counselor to help me figure out what "dealing with my cancer" means.
God bless and keep you all.
7 chemos down, 2 to go.
The past few weeks I've felt so, irritable and overloaded. I kept blaming work, which is busy and my oncologist said the number one complaint her patients have is when they go back to work everyone expects them to do what they did before at the same pace, etc. They're back at work, they look fine, so they must be fine. And this has been a huge frustration and area causing me great mental irritability. But the one thing I have always been good at is self evaluation and honesty about who I am and how I deal with things.
In business I always ask "what's the pattern" whether it be human behavior, system performance or business procedures, patterns hold all the answers good or bad and will ultimately tell you where to make change or make something a best practice. I realized a pattern in myself last week. I've had 5-6 MRI scans since this all began. And I always cry during them. Now an MRI is the most painless thing they do to me so it doesn't make any sense that they can drive a 1 inch nail width needle call a port pic into me every other week and I take a deep breath and go with the flow but lying still for half an hour sends me into tears. The first time was the day they diagnosed me and I blew it off as "this is the first time I've been alone and it is all just hitting me." The next day they did another one and the same thing was my excuse "I've been locked in a hospital room with my family and this is my first alone time." The next one was the morning after brain surgery so I figured I was just scared of bad results. The next one was a 3 hour long MRI so I decided I cried b/c I was irritated it took so long. Then I had one after my third chemo and even though the Cat scan had already shown all the cancer gone, I still cried in the MRI chamber and I lied there asking myself "why are you crying?" Well last week I had another after chemo #6 (no matter if you are already clean protocol is still a scan after every 3 chemo treatments) and again I lied there crying for the whole 20 minutes (I'm certain the MRI techs think I have some screws loose and they always ask if I'm ok). So I opted not to go back to work but go home that day and as I drove home trying to piece my knowledge of my life together into something that would make sense it occurred to me. I attacked my cancer as I do all things in life, form a plan, establish the steps needed to execute such plan and then proceed full steam ahead toward success.
Well my key points to measurable success for all of this were
#1 prove to my family that I don't need a babysitter - this was needed for several important reasons
a) they have their own families and jobs to maintain secure which is indeed their priority
b) I cannot stand feeling like a burden to anyone/ I'm certain this has lots to do with being single as well but I can only have so many revelations a week, I'll work through the intricacies of why this bothers me so much later. I think part of it goes hand in hand with my career. Since I have nothing else to show for my life, no kids, no hubby, no Southern Living model home, I sure as blazes better be the best of the best in my career.
#2 Prove to my company that I was still a capable employee. I mean it's one thing to get cancer, but I had people scraping on my brain, they weren't sure I was going to be able to brush my own teeth much less run a corporate division when all was said and done. So I had to come back to work like gangbusters to prove I was the same me, that I could still do my job, and that I am worth my annual bonus which had better be good come June.
So what does that have to do with crying in the MRI chamber?
It's the only time when I am totally quiet and still. I am a master of the multi-task. I can have a phone conversation, an IM conversation, read a report and type stats into Excel all at the same time. I run full speed all day. I wake up at night with ideas for work and jot them down, if I am "resting" I read a book or a magazine or watch TV........I haven't just sat since December. I've been so focused on the next step and what I can do to succeed. Succeed at fighting cancer, succeed at not worrying my family, succeed at being the star employee at work. So when they lie me on that cold table and slide me all the way in so my arms can't even move and lock my head in place, I have no distraction. It's not even that I think, it's the opposite, it's like I stop working so hard and my brain gets to just rest and process and the result is big emotional stuff. And it all just kind of rolls out of me, out of my eyes down my face. I've been so focused on achieving certain things, I still really haven't processed that I had cancer. I don't know what that means even. I mean, there are days when I hurt and ache and cry and say to myself "today I feel like a cancer patient." But what do you do? I mean what are the options? So far, no one has given me any options. I guess I could have refused surgery or chemo or whatever but that would be pretty selfish to family to just give up. But I can't lie, it crosses my mind. I'm not scared to die but I am really hating the pain. 4 months of pain is too long and it will be mid-August before I'm through with this. January - August...that's a long time.
I have always had this trait of preparing for the worst case scenario. I always thought it was a good way to live life. If I am prepared for the worst and have a plan then I know I can handle whatever comes along b/c in reality the worst usually doesn't happen but if it does, I'm ready. This often actually gave me peace....once I knew what my plan was and that I had a manageable plan for the worst case scenario for any event in my life, then I could sit back and chill out knowing I was ready.
I wasn't ready for a brain tumor. I was ready with all my past issues for some type of female cancer so I got checked quarterly for any changes there. With my family history I was ready for diabetes, arthritis even heart disease or colon problems. But brain tumor.......was not on my list. And it all happened so fast which I still know is a blessing from God, but there were no long weeks of tests or dozens of Dr visits trying to figure out what was wrong.....just bam....here it is and here is what we have to do to you, like it or not. So when it was all over, I was so shocked and thankful to have just lived thru the surgery much less come out with not a hint of damage. It made me think of the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in Daniel. When they came out of the fire there was not even a hint of the smell of smoke on them. I don't know why that always spoke to me. I can smell a smoker from a mile away and the smell of smoke never gets out of your clothes and hair, just always really resonated with me, that was true protection. That's how protected they had been by God's hand. Now I will never compare myself to Shad, Shach and Bennie b/c there faith is, well the stuff stories in the bible are made of but I do know that only the hands of those guided by God could have done so well on me. I think I've spent a lot of my life preparing for things that never came to fruition, what a horrible waste! And at the end of the day.....the really horrible stuff comes out of nowhere and slams you like a freight train no matter how prepared you are. And you know, Shad, Shach and Bennie are never mentioned again after that story in the bible. Interesting. What did they do next? Well they were promoted...not sure to what, just lots of questions. Maybe just coming out of the fire with still your faith is enough? I wish I knew what they did next.
But I really didn't know what to do next. I feel like I should be doing something of some great purpose but I can't seem to find what it is. I feel like I should be accomplishing big things of eternal significance but most days I go in to work and spend hours upon hours in meetings planning for our company to earn the next million. Actually we really are a good company and focus on ways to serve our customers faster and safer. Don't get me wrong, when I hear what we call "actuals" which are actual emergency calls as opposed to the bazillion false alarms that go off at businesses and homes everyday, I am proud to play a part in that. To hear the eight yr old crying on the phone with our operator b/c her grandma had a heart attack and know that we got the ambulance there with the fastest response time in the industry, or our silent panic button saved a woman who was ambushed as she entered her home from being raped and murdered, I know there is value in the security business and I believe in it whole heartedly. I'm just not sure this is where I am supposed to be.
I did get loads of people to donate blood, thank you all by the way, especially the wimpy needle scaredy cats. I know who you are and love you all the more for going to give blood for me. I am certain it all went to people who didn't have a large network of family and friends to donate blood for them. I am thankful I didn't have to go through a transfusion although a couple of times I almost asked for one. The cancer circle tells me you feel so good after b/c you're not weak for at least a few days but alas, I never got low enough and didn't want to be greedy. I figured if I felt this bad and my counts were hi enough I didn't absolutely need it, then the blood should go to whomever was worse off than me.
Coincidently enough, the head nurse for my oncologist's office resigned. Callie said she couldn't take being around the fear of death all day. She would go home and cry for her patients at night. Oddly enough she and I are the same age, she said my case really hit her, she just kept saying these things shouldn't happen to young people, good people, etc. She is going to be teaching nursing starting this summer at the local college. One of the nurses on the actual chemo floor of the hospital (Racheal) said that I don't get to see how different I am from most patients. They were actually glad to see me crying this week b/c they were afraid I was staying in denial way too long. I was way too upbeat evidently for way too long. I asked her what I was supposed to be doing, crying in bed all day? She said no one gets this far without going through a really bitter phase and you haven't done that. She said that I say thank you for everything they do for me and don't have these horrific outbursts like most cancer patients do. I dunno, was good to hear I'm not the worst patient since I am the dietary diva to the guys in Nutrition. I never order anything on the menu and once when I checked in right before lunch they just sent me something which as soon as they were walking into my room I got queasy and screamed just get rid of the whole tray I'm gonna barf. (I'm having a major aversion to the smell of beef and they had chosen flank steak). So alas, the menu clerk calls me for my custom menu no matter how close to lunch time I check in now. And yes, I always thank him too.
So 5/30 is my last chemo. Then there will be about a month of them making a mold of my head, loads of scanning my body, the physicists determining how much radiation and at what angle the zap my brain. I will loose what's left of my hair. It's become more of a challenge each week but my hot rollers, teasing comb, and Aquanet have fought the good fight. They say my head will feel like it has a sunburn so I am thinking I will just increase the scarf collection during radiation b/c I probably won't want anything much touching it.
And yes, I am going to see a counselor to help me figure out what "dealing with my cancer" means.
God bless and keep you all.
April 21, 2008 Update
Hi team.
This will be a short one, not much to update. Did this chemo by myself and all went well. 6 down, 3 to go. They say I'll have 2-4 weeks between my last chemo on 5/29-5/30 and when I start radiation.
No inspirational music references even...I had George Strait's Troubador in my car and then this past week Bon Jovi's live album circa 2001. Although I would argue that George and Jon Bon are quite inspirational in their own right.
God bless and I'll send another note in 2 weeks.
This will be a short one, not much to update. Did this chemo by myself and all went well. 6 down, 3 to go. They say I'll have 2-4 weeks between my last chemo on 5/29-5/30 and when I start radiation.
No inspirational music references even...I had George Strait's Troubador in my car and then this past week Bon Jovi's live album circa 2001. Although I would argue that George and Jon Bon are quite inspirational in their own right.
God bless and I'll send another note in 2 weeks.
March 20, 2008 Update
3/20/08 Update
Happy Resurrection Day family, friends, and prayer warriors.
I am doing well this weekend. This was my 4th chemo treatment out of the 9 every other week so I am almost to the halfway point. Then my doctor is really leaning heavily toward doing the radiation option everyday for 6 weeks after that as opposed to chemo monthly for another 8 months but we shall see. My MRI came back clean so I am technically already in remission, for every blessing HE pours out I will turn back to praise.
A week ago Friday I rebelled in a meeting at work. My headband was itching my scar so I ripped it off and told my co-workers that since they all know what's under the headband it is silly for me to hide a scar at discomfort. I'm just not that vain. I haven't wore one since except to pull may hair back when I wash my face at home.
I didn't feel as weak or tired this go around, still weak and tired but a lesser degree. I actually drove home from the hospital myself Friday night even though Toni was with me and after sleeping most of Saturday, we drove around a couple hours Saturday afternoon. So that's progress. I did sleep most of today and am still having difficulty eating much and I am still supersensitive to all smells. My blood counts remain good as well, another great blessing from God.
It's a bit ironic, you go through a life-awakening event and have this great new appreciation for everything you experience but you can't go experience much and have to stay in as much isolation as possible for fear of germs in groups and places.
Allergy season is coming on so we're a bit nervous as I usually get a sinus infection or 2 during the spring and this year that is just not an option. I still swear that my daily use of Guaifenesin (Mucinex) in the fall to not get a sinus infection kept me well and when I finally stopped taking it daily is what made me sick. There are studies out there that Guaifenesin removes toxins from cells and it is being studied and used in trials for patients with fibromyalgia. I think when I stopped taking it in December the toxins built up. Kelly/ Matt - y'all are my genius doctor research friends....do a study on Guaifenesin and you might find the cure to loads of things. Just cut me a % for inspiring you.
I think I'm going to try to do my next chemo by myself since the past couple have gone so well. I may just have a friend on deck in case I feel too weak to drive home some Friday night.
I did start reading through Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, it is a powerful book.
I got a copy of my medical records thus far to take to my family doc so he'd have on file. It's odd to read through all the sterile doctors' notes of what has transpired the past 2 months. The most amusing note to me was one that stated "mood appropriate." I have no idea what an appropriate mood for finding out you have cancer is. Much less a cancer so rare they will not quote me a stage or even survival stats but evidently some resident felt I acted appropriately that day. I dunno, just amused me to read that in the notes. It also irritated me that my age is on a label at the top of every blasted page but one day one Dr added 3 yrs to me in his notes.....I want to call and have him correct those notes! Lack of attention to detail is not what you want from a neurosurgeon. Of course hopefully he'll never get the chance to scrape on my brain again. But he did save my life so I can't be too mad.
Thank you all for the continued prayers, calls, emails, and cards. I know I'm not great at returning all of the phone calls but I truly do cherish the messages. I continue to be overwhelmed each week as I receive emails back from strangers who are in bible studies with some of you or Sunday School classes or just friends who love you so they are praying for me. How amazing is that? In a time when we look out into a scary fallen world, God continues to show that his people are still working and fighting for his kingdom through their genuine love of people.
Please take some time to remember what today is all about and give thanks for all of the blessings in your life, most importantly the one who gave his life so you could live. Make it a life of purpose and integrity. It's funny, I have been blessed with a co-worker/ mentor who just came through a cancer fight and has become a close friend. She was telling me how she had become a stale Christian but it is amazing when she started to think, "you know, I really might meet God pretty soon so I better make sure he remembers who I am."
Blessings to you all.
Happy Resurrection Day family, friends, and prayer warriors.
I am doing well this weekend. This was my 4th chemo treatment out of the 9 every other week so I am almost to the halfway point. Then my doctor is really leaning heavily toward doing the radiation option everyday for 6 weeks after that as opposed to chemo monthly for another 8 months but we shall see. My MRI came back clean so I am technically already in remission, for every blessing HE pours out I will turn back to praise.
A week ago Friday I rebelled in a meeting at work. My headband was itching my scar so I ripped it off and told my co-workers that since they all know what's under the headband it is silly for me to hide a scar at discomfort. I'm just not that vain. I haven't wore one since except to pull may hair back when I wash my face at home.
I didn't feel as weak or tired this go around, still weak and tired but a lesser degree. I actually drove home from the hospital myself Friday night even though Toni was with me and after sleeping most of Saturday, we drove around a couple hours Saturday afternoon. So that's progress. I did sleep most of today and am still having difficulty eating much and I am still supersensitive to all smells. My blood counts remain good as well, another great blessing from God.
It's a bit ironic, you go through a life-awakening event and have this great new appreciation for everything you experience but you can't go experience much and have to stay in as much isolation as possible for fear of germs in groups and places.
Allergy season is coming on so we're a bit nervous as I usually get a sinus infection or 2 during the spring and this year that is just not an option. I still swear that my daily use of Guaifenesin (Mucinex) in the fall to not get a sinus infection kept me well and when I finally stopped taking it daily is what made me sick. There are studies out there that Guaifenesin removes toxins from cells and it is being studied and used in trials for patients with fibromyalgia. I think when I stopped taking it in December the toxins built up. Kelly/ Matt - y'all are my genius doctor research friends....do a study on Guaifenesin and you might find the cure to loads of things. Just cut me a % for inspiring you.
I think I'm going to try to do my next chemo by myself since the past couple have gone so well. I may just have a friend on deck in case I feel too weak to drive home some Friday night.
I did start reading through Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card, it is a powerful book.
I got a copy of my medical records thus far to take to my family doc so he'd have on file. It's odd to read through all the sterile doctors' notes of what has transpired the past 2 months. The most amusing note to me was one that stated "mood appropriate." I have no idea what an appropriate mood for finding out you have cancer is. Much less a cancer so rare they will not quote me a stage or even survival stats but evidently some resident felt I acted appropriately that day. I dunno, just amused me to read that in the notes. It also irritated me that my age is on a label at the top of every blasted page but one day one Dr added 3 yrs to me in his notes.....I want to call and have him correct those notes! Lack of attention to detail is not what you want from a neurosurgeon. Of course hopefully he'll never get the chance to scrape on my brain again. But he did save my life so I can't be too mad.
Thank you all for the continued prayers, calls, emails, and cards. I know I'm not great at returning all of the phone calls but I truly do cherish the messages. I continue to be overwhelmed each week as I receive emails back from strangers who are in bible studies with some of you or Sunday School classes or just friends who love you so they are praying for me. How amazing is that? In a time when we look out into a scary fallen world, God continues to show that his people are still working and fighting for his kingdom through their genuine love of people.
Please take some time to remember what today is all about and give thanks for all of the blessings in your life, most importantly the one who gave his life so you could live. Make it a life of purpose and integrity. It's funny, I have been blessed with a co-worker/ mentor who just came through a cancer fight and has become a close friend. She was telling me how she had become a stale Christian but it is amazing when she started to think, "you know, I really might meet God pretty soon so I better make sure he remembers who I am."
Blessings to you all.
April 26, 2008
From Gaby
Job. Job 42:5, when Job tells God that now he sees Him. Hard times in our life make us really "see" God.
Job. Job 42:5, when Job tells God that now he sees Him. Hard times in our life make us really "see" God.
April 5 Update
I have no idea why music speaks to me so vividly. I have no musical talent, a horrible singing voice, I joke that God had to make somebody to fill the audiences. Nevertheless, music always speaks to me, it comforts me through my day. It's very hard to scream at another driver who cut you off in traffic if you're singing It Is Well With My Soul, I'd say probably impossible. I truly believe we are what we surround ourselves with. We choose to fill ourselves with positive or negative via audio, visual, environmental.
Anyway, I just felt the need to explain why I reference music lyrics so often. For those not up on contemporary Christian music you may not even catch them all in my emails. Mercy Me got very popular a few years back and even a country artist remade their lyrics for the song "I can only Imagine." But my favorite lyric they've written is the opening of "Hold Fast." I had a crummy week at work 2 weeks ago and this one verse kept me going. Evidently I look "too healthy" as one co-worker told me. People forget what I am going through and expect me to be back working 60 hours a week because they see me back.Life goes on, the phone stops ringing all day long and the mailbox is no longer full of cards. All the flowers have died and even the plants thank to 2 unexpected snow storms in Dallas in March. Anyway...
I did have to run out of my first meeting to barf, but only one person really noticed I think. I think most thought I got a call on my Blackberry. I think I look like I jumped right out of Fright Night with all the scars all over me now, inside my elbows looks as those of a heroine addict, scars all over my shoulder and chest from an allergic reaction to ChloraPrep resulting in viscous blisters (Chlorprep is a new cleanser used for surgery that doesn't stain like Betadine......I learned to stick to Betadine the hard way) horrible dark circles under my eyes and blotches on my face.
Plus the chemo port. I'll assume most of you don't know what that is since I had no clue until they needed to slice me open to get one. The PowerPort I have is right under the skin just a couple inches below my collar bone. It's kind of a plastic triangular thing with prongs that stick out. If I had seen one on a person I would have thought they had some wicked calcium deposits. From the PowerPort a tube runs up and loops over my collar bone at my neck and then runs back down into my body inside a main artery or vein, I can never distinguish between the 2 but you get the drift. So I have this plastic prongy thing with a tube running under the skin that loops at the neck causing a tiny scar there.
And not to mention the hair, ooooooo the hair issues I have. And then there is the scar from ear to ear so I can't even be one of those mysterious, exotic bald women because I have this warpy scar across my head. Then in one spot on the top of my head hair is actually starting to grow back from the scar so I have spikes growing up and then it is falling out in other places. But alas, God prepared my for these big struggles. My days with Mary Kay prepared me to paint over any blotch and dark circle to a perfect complexion finish and being from the south, well, I can tease even the most minute amount of hair to a voluminous coif, even covering the spikes growing.
Ok, all that rambling...here is the lyric I kept hearing in my head
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Those first four lines are powerful enough by themselves aren't they?
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Boy isn't that the truth. Look around your office and I mean really look, or your quilt club, Sunday school class, or the others bustling through the mall on a Saturday. It seems everyone has a hurt of some sort they are dealing with at any given time if we slow down long enough to notice, if we pick up on the little clues. If we really see into their eyes, into their heart. So much hurt in a fallen world.
I say I have Cancerdar now. Basically radar of cancer sufferers/survivors. Perhaps God is just leading me to these random people for encouragement but it has amazed me. It's like I see that same wound in them that I couldn't see, I wouldn't recognize before, there is a knowledge they have in their eyes, I didn't have before. I'll ask my prayerful friends to add Crystal to your list. She's a girl I came across and am sure I'll never see again, it was random but she looked about 25 and has already had a full hysterectomy from uterine cancer that spread to ovarian and cervical. Now it has returned a year later to her thyroid and possibly her lungs. She is not going to do anymore chemo or radiation, she is done with Dr. appts, she is going to just live out her normal life for as long as God continues to let her. I don't blame her. I have no comprehension of how some people go through this battle more than once. I keep telling my doctor, whatever it takes, let's do it now because I only have this fight in me once. I've been looking for a reason for years to go over the edge, become a bum who sits on the beach and sips fruity drinks all day, just still not sure how to fund that lifestyle. I taking all suggestions. So far all I have is Karen's Margarita stand on the beach idea or braiding hair for tourists.
The other words echoing in my voice for the past month have been from Rich Mullins, I know several people have done this song so not sure who wrote it but I like his version best.
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
I feel like God is doing that as I continue to accept and move forward. I think I may have moved out of the depression phase of grief. Wooohooo, another milestone. For every blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise.
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord
People keep handing me information for counselors for my cancer. I'm dealing with cancer ok but I do think I need some help on the workaholic tendencies so I may see someone for that. When my doctor told me over the phone that Friday morning in January that I had a brain tumor, the absolute first thing that went through my head was "I wish I had spent the whole week of Christmas home this year." (this yr I only went home for Christmas Eve and Christmas day) Things come into perspective quickly but sustained change is very difficult. Sometimes it still seems so surreal ...I have cancer? ME? This isn't happening to me. I wonder if that's how all the badness of our lives will be when we are in heaven, like a surreal old dream that surely we never actually lived through?
Grey's Anatomy is a hit show so I am hoping at least part of you out there watch it so this will be better explained with the visual than I can do verbally. Last season when Meredith went into the water and "died" before being resuscitated back to life. She awoke and had this great clarity of things, clarity of life and a sudden removal of fears and then in later shows all of her fears came back and she would witness a patient at the hospital who narrowly escaped death get that same "ah hah" revelation of thinking.....she told him to act quickly, because it won't last, that feeling that he had right then when everything in the world is so clear and he knows what is really important because he just got his life back, it doesn't last. It fades and we go back to being the same people we were before. I think it's true. Some don't but those are the exception; the people who truly change how they live forever. I want to be the exception.
So I did this chemo solo, drove myself, drove home, and this was my midway point, 5 down, 4 to go. It was hard for my family to let me but they can't keep trekking to TX every other week to basically drive me home. Heck, I could get limo service home for cheaper than the gas they are using. Hmmm, now I may just have to look into that now that I thought of it. Genius comes from my smart remarks. Anyway... I kept expecting Tricia to walk through the hospital room door despite my protests but she let me be a big girl and I did fine. My poor doctor has to have the patience of job. I tend to be a bit smart alec. She asked if I could believe I was already at the halfway point of my chemo? Like "gees isn't it going fast?" I looked at her like she was flipping crazy and said "no, I can't believe it's not over, I feel like I've been here for yrs." I again reminded her, she is only getting one shot to treat me, I'm already researching Caribbean islands just in case I need to flee to one. I felt bad later, I know she was trying to be encouraging. But then I looked at the bill of what her hourly rate is and I got over it and thanked God for good insurance. For every blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise.
More things to Praise God for...
My company continues to be amazingly supportive, allowing me to miss 2 days every other week (I can do conference calls from the hospital and I always have my laptop so we call it working remotely) and leave early, come in late as needed. They've never taken me off full salary through all of this. Bless his name for truly good people.
Also since I obviously did not reach the goal of buying a house by end of my 1 yr anniversary in Dallas the evil corporation who owns my apartment complex along with half the other apartments in Dallas I found out, finally came to see things my way that I should not have to pay an increase in rent or sign a 1 yr lease to stay. Yes, I'll admit, I played the poor cancer patient card, but they were being so unreasonable. Hopefully by next spring I'll be in a house. Thank God as well for an awesome Christian realtor who has been patient with me. All my local friends, email back and I'll refer you if you're thinking of moving.
That's all for now, this was a long one.
Blessings till next time.
Anyway, I just felt the need to explain why I reference music lyrics so often. For those not up on contemporary Christian music you may not even catch them all in my emails. Mercy Me got very popular a few years back and even a country artist remade their lyrics for the song "I can only Imagine." But my favorite lyric they've written is the opening of "Hold Fast." I had a crummy week at work 2 weeks ago and this one verse kept me going. Evidently I look "too healthy" as one co-worker told me. People forget what I am going through and expect me to be back working 60 hours a week because they see me back.Life goes on, the phone stops ringing all day long and the mailbox is no longer full of cards. All the flowers have died and even the plants thank to 2 unexpected snow storms in Dallas in March. Anyway...
I did have to run out of my first meeting to barf, but only one person really noticed I think. I think most thought I got a call on my Blackberry. I think I look like I jumped right out of Fright Night with all the scars all over me now, inside my elbows looks as those of a heroine addict, scars all over my shoulder and chest from an allergic reaction to ChloraPrep resulting in viscous blisters (Chlorprep is a new cleanser used for surgery that doesn't stain like Betadine......I learned to stick to Betadine the hard way) horrible dark circles under my eyes and blotches on my face.
Plus the chemo port. I'll assume most of you don't know what that is since I had no clue until they needed to slice me open to get one. The PowerPort I have is right under the skin just a couple inches below my collar bone. It's kind of a plastic triangular thing with prongs that stick out. If I had seen one on a person I would have thought they had some wicked calcium deposits. From the PowerPort a tube runs up and loops over my collar bone at my neck and then runs back down into my body inside a main artery or vein, I can never distinguish between the 2 but you get the drift. So I have this plastic prongy thing with a tube running under the skin that loops at the neck causing a tiny scar there.
And not to mention the hair, ooooooo the hair issues I have. And then there is the scar from ear to ear so I can't even be one of those mysterious, exotic bald women because I have this warpy scar across my head. Then in one spot on the top of my head hair is actually starting to grow back from the scar so I have spikes growing up and then it is falling out in other places. But alas, God prepared my for these big struggles. My days with Mary Kay prepared me to paint over any blotch and dark circle to a perfect complexion finish and being from the south, well, I can tease even the most minute amount of hair to a voluminous coif, even covering the spikes growing.
Ok, all that rambling...here is the lyric I kept hearing in my head
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Those first four lines are powerful enough by themselves aren't they?
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Boy isn't that the truth. Look around your office and I mean really look, or your quilt club, Sunday school class, or the others bustling through the mall on a Saturday. It seems everyone has a hurt of some sort they are dealing with at any given time if we slow down long enough to notice, if we pick up on the little clues. If we really see into their eyes, into their heart. So much hurt in a fallen world.
I say I have Cancerdar now. Basically radar of cancer sufferers/survivors. Perhaps God is just leading me to these random people for encouragement but it has amazed me. It's like I see that same wound in them that I couldn't see, I wouldn't recognize before, there is a knowledge they have in their eyes, I didn't have before. I'll ask my prayerful friends to add Crystal to your list. She's a girl I came across and am sure I'll never see again, it was random but she looked about 25 and has already had a full hysterectomy from uterine cancer that spread to ovarian and cervical. Now it has returned a year later to her thyroid and possibly her lungs. She is not going to do anymore chemo or radiation, she is done with Dr. appts, she is going to just live out her normal life for as long as God continues to let her. I don't blame her. I have no comprehension of how some people go through this battle more than once. I keep telling my doctor, whatever it takes, let's do it now because I only have this fight in me once. I've been looking for a reason for years to go over the edge, become a bum who sits on the beach and sips fruity drinks all day, just still not sure how to fund that lifestyle. I taking all suggestions. So far all I have is Karen's Margarita stand on the beach idea or braiding hair for tourists.
The other words echoing in my voice for the past month have been from Rich Mullins, I know several people have done this song so not sure who wrote it but I like his version best.
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
I feel like God is doing that as I continue to accept and move forward. I think I may have moved out of the depression phase of grief. Wooohooo, another milestone. For every blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise.
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord
People keep handing me information for counselors for my cancer. I'm dealing with cancer ok but I do think I need some help on the workaholic tendencies so I may see someone for that. When my doctor told me over the phone that Friday morning in January that I had a brain tumor, the absolute first thing that went through my head was "I wish I had spent the whole week of Christmas home this year." (this yr I only went home for Christmas Eve and Christmas day) Things come into perspective quickly but sustained change is very difficult. Sometimes it still seems so surreal ...I have cancer? ME? This isn't happening to me. I wonder if that's how all the badness of our lives will be when we are in heaven, like a surreal old dream that surely we never actually lived through?
Grey's Anatomy is a hit show so I am hoping at least part of you out there watch it so this will be better explained with the visual than I can do verbally. Last season when Meredith went into the water and "died" before being resuscitated back to life. She awoke and had this great clarity of things, clarity of life and a sudden removal of fears and then in later shows all of her fears came back and she would witness a patient at the hospital who narrowly escaped death get that same "ah hah" revelation of thinking.....she told him to act quickly, because it won't last, that feeling that he had right then when everything in the world is so clear and he knows what is really important because he just got his life back, it doesn't last. It fades and we go back to being the same people we were before. I think it's true. Some don't but those are the exception; the people who truly change how they live forever. I want to be the exception.
So I did this chemo solo, drove myself, drove home, and this was my midway point, 5 down, 4 to go. It was hard for my family to let me but they can't keep trekking to TX every other week to basically drive me home. Heck, I could get limo service home for cheaper than the gas they are using. Hmmm, now I may just have to look into that now that I thought of it. Genius comes from my smart remarks. Anyway... I kept expecting Tricia to walk through the hospital room door despite my protests but she let me be a big girl and I did fine. My poor doctor has to have the patience of job. I tend to be a bit smart alec. She asked if I could believe I was already at the halfway point of my chemo? Like "gees isn't it going fast?" I looked at her like she was flipping crazy and said "no, I can't believe it's not over, I feel like I've been here for yrs." I again reminded her, she is only getting one shot to treat me, I'm already researching Caribbean islands just in case I need to flee to one. I felt bad later, I know she was trying to be encouraging. But then I looked at the bill of what her hourly rate is and I got over it and thanked God for good insurance. For every blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise.
More things to Praise God for...
My company continues to be amazingly supportive, allowing me to miss 2 days every other week (I can do conference calls from the hospital and I always have my laptop so we call it working remotely) and leave early, come in late as needed. They've never taken me off full salary through all of this. Bless his name for truly good people.
Also since I obviously did not reach the goal of buying a house by end of my 1 yr anniversary in Dallas the evil corporation who owns my apartment complex along with half the other apartments in Dallas I found out, finally came to see things my way that I should not have to pay an increase in rent or sign a 1 yr lease to stay. Yes, I'll admit, I played the poor cancer patient card, but they were being so unreasonable. Hopefully by next spring I'll be in a house. Thank God as well for an awesome Christian realtor who has been patient with me. All my local friends, email back and I'll refer you if you're thinking of moving.
That's all for now, this was a long one.
Blessings till next time.
March 16 update
Doing ok. Had mouth sores a few days last week (they say that's expected). I am having this issue where sometimes when I try to eat my throat will not contract and swallow so I end up spitting back up. Also an expected side effect. I am going to call McDonalds and take on old Subway Jared. I am eating a milkshake a day and losing weight. Granted it takes me 8 hours to get a whole milkshake down me but still, they gotta be able to work with that right? My sis has an therapist friend who she said would send me some throat exercises to help with that. Toni got a cheap Southwest flight so she is coming in Thursday morning and will be here thru Sunday for my chemo this weekend plus so I can at least see some family on Easter. That will be 4/9 chemos...almost halfway thru the ever other week chemo sessions and then we decide to do chemo monthly or radiation.
My MRI this past Monday looked "Wonderful" per my Dr.
Friday I rebelled and ripped my headband off in a meeting. I said "you all know what I am going through and if you get a glance of my scar and it is offensive let me know but this thing is driving me crazy and I've decided I'm not so vain anymore." Everyone just kinda nodded and carried on.
I'm really fighting with the fatigue. I need 12 hours of sleep right now but I am just accepting it and going to be by 5 or 6 each evening so I can work as much as possible. I had a barfing spell this morning so I ended up missing church but I watched some guy on TV and the lesson was on Paul and being content with wherever you are. Boy did that hit home.
My MRI this past Monday looked "Wonderful" per my Dr.
Friday I rebelled and ripped my headband off in a meeting. I said "you all know what I am going through and if you get a glance of my scar and it is offensive let me know but this thing is driving me crazy and I've decided I'm not so vain anymore." Everyone just kinda nodded and carried on.
I'm really fighting with the fatigue. I need 12 hours of sleep right now but I am just accepting it and going to be by 5 or 6 each evening so I can work as much as possible. I had a barfing spell this morning so I ended up missing church but I watched some guy on TV and the lesson was on Paul and being content with wherever you are. Boy did that hit home.
March 8, 2008 Update
Good evening friends and prayer warriors.
I am glad to say I am feeling ok after this round of chemo, little nausea today but not too bad. My sis Lori had something come up so she ended not being able to come over this weekend but my dear friend Ana jumped in and dropped me off at chemo and my dear friend Caryn re-arranged her day to come and sit with me on Friday and got me home ok. God has amazingly blessed me with so many devoted friends. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
Being by myself Thursday afternoon and Friday morning I actually asked for the good drugs and just slept a lot since there was no one to talk to.
I slept most of the day today but just feel tired, not achy so that's a great thing.
I had my acrylic nails removed for the first time in over a decade. (for germ purposes, also there is always a risk of being nicked when they use the electric file). My sis Toni actually said she just thought I had always had strong nails, no way, weak sad little paper nails. It's the odd little things that we don't think of until we are there. I also chopped my hair off b/c they say it falls out slower if it is short.
This was the week of gifts. Caryn got me some sassy little headbands since I sport one daily to cover my brain surgery scar. She also got me a nail file since I will now be needing one. I also received a wonderful study from my wonderful friend Ms. Margaret called Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. She is the most Godly woman I have ever been in the presence of so if she says it is awesome, it truly is. Sometimes God brings a person into your life and you just know instantly they are a direct gift from him, I knew Margaret was that instantly. I just want to drain the wisdom and peace from her and absorb it into myself. I haven't delved into the study yet but hope to soon. Last week I came straight home and went to bed most days. I worked about 8-3 and then go to physical therapy for my shoulder from the car accident. It is getting much better quickly. Praise the Lord.
The other gift I received this week was actually a "prize." Most of you know I retain my Mary Kay consultant status to get my products at cost. Evidently when I placed my last order there was a contest in place and you win a bracelet and every month after that you order the appropriate dollar amount you get pieces to add to the bracelet. Each has a saying. Well I had never received my bracelet and my friend Gwen who is my Mary Kay Director realized and sent the bracelet. For my first attachment she placed the word "dream" on it. I sat there for a long time looking at it and realized I am in a place of my life where I had ceased all dreams. The more I stared at this bracelet with it's little pink "Dream" on it the more I realized that is exactly what I need to do, look past all this and seek my "dreams" or goals God has for me. Needless to say, I am wearing my bracelet daily as encouragement that I will get past this and not be afraid to plan and dream again. Thank you Gwen.
I continue to be overwhelmed with the outpouring from so many. So many donated blood that I ended up not needing just yet. Thankfully my counts were better this chemo time than last time. We will see, lots more chemo to go. I have received some wonderful emails from friends who I haven't seen in a decade. God is using this to his Glory, of this I am sure. I so humbled and honored. I cannot begin to explain how overwhelmed I am at the calls I receive from ex co-workers, ex-church members, cousins I haven't seen in decades. I keep thinking I need to mobilize all of you to pray for something so much more important than me. So while I am thinking about it, please stop and say a prayer for our country. Our God is sovereign but we as Christians must do our duty to participate and fight for Godly leadership. Ok, that was my political sidebar. Passiveness is a great tool of Satan.
My King of Glory has truly been my prince of peace this past week. Most of us who have studied the book of Daniel know that we have three outcomes in times of trial. God can either deliver us from going through a trial; he can deliver us through the trial, much like he did with Shadrach, Meshach and Abendago or even Daniel; or he can deliver us to him as a result of the trial. I always thought once you reached the point that you were at peace with any of those options, you were ok. I have learned I don't fear death, I fear living through the fire and it takes much more faith to believe I will come through this without even a hint of a smell of smoke on me as did Shad, Shach, and Bennie when God saved them from the fire. But God is building my faith through the amazing encouragement of so many from all over the country.
I spent a long time talking with my oncologist yesterday. We have to get through the 9 rounds of chemo every other week. (I've done 3/9 so far). May 29-30 should be the last one. After that I may be able to do radiation daily for 4-6 weeks instead of the chemo once a month for a year. We won't know until after that 9th round of chemo what is the best way to go since there are lots of factors involved, so we will see but it gives me hope. Even doing intensive radiation daily for 6 weeks would at least get me through the process. Something about being through in July rather than January sounds so nice.
This week I kept being reminded of a song we used to sing a lot at my church in Beaumont. It always touched my heart but now a different verse makes me cry than used to. I used to always be humbled by the verse
I'm trading my sorrowI'm trading my shameI'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
This past week the following verse kept playing through my head with astounding new meaning
I'm trading my sicknessI'm trading my painI'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
And because the song is so good I am going to paste it in entirety below. If you don't know the tune you can look it up online and download it. The Musician is the Katinas. I hope this blesses you as the memories of singing this dozens of times with my beloved church family blesses me. Have a great week.
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my painI
'm laying it down For the joy of the Lord
Chorus Yeah, yeah Everybody say yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
Lift your voice and say yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
Say yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
I am pressed but not crushed Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am pressed beyond the curse For his power will endure
That his joy's gonna be my strength Though the sorrow may Last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down For the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my painI'm laying it down For the joy of the Lord
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am pressed beyond the curse For his power will endure
His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may Last for the night His joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord Amen
(3 Times)Yes, Yes Lord, AmenYes, Yes Lord, AmenYes, Yes Lord, Amen
I am glad to say I am feeling ok after this round of chemo, little nausea today but not too bad. My sis Lori had something come up so she ended not being able to come over this weekend but my dear friend Ana jumped in and dropped me off at chemo and my dear friend Caryn re-arranged her day to come and sit with me on Friday and got me home ok. God has amazingly blessed me with so many devoted friends. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
Being by myself Thursday afternoon and Friday morning I actually asked for the good drugs and just slept a lot since there was no one to talk to.
I slept most of the day today but just feel tired, not achy so that's a great thing.
I had my acrylic nails removed for the first time in over a decade. (for germ purposes, also there is always a risk of being nicked when they use the electric file). My sis Toni actually said she just thought I had always had strong nails, no way, weak sad little paper nails. It's the odd little things that we don't think of until we are there. I also chopped my hair off b/c they say it falls out slower if it is short.
This was the week of gifts. Caryn got me some sassy little headbands since I sport one daily to cover my brain surgery scar. She also got me a nail file since I will now be needing one. I also received a wonderful study from my wonderful friend Ms. Margaret called Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. She is the most Godly woman I have ever been in the presence of so if she says it is awesome, it truly is. Sometimes God brings a person into your life and you just know instantly they are a direct gift from him, I knew Margaret was that instantly. I just want to drain the wisdom and peace from her and absorb it into myself. I haven't delved into the study yet but hope to soon. Last week I came straight home and went to bed most days. I worked about 8-3 and then go to physical therapy for my shoulder from the car accident. It is getting much better quickly. Praise the Lord.
The other gift I received this week was actually a "prize." Most of you know I retain my Mary Kay consultant status to get my products at cost. Evidently when I placed my last order there was a contest in place and you win a bracelet and every month after that you order the appropriate dollar amount you get pieces to add to the bracelet. Each has a saying. Well I had never received my bracelet and my friend Gwen who is my Mary Kay Director realized and sent the bracelet. For my first attachment she placed the word "dream" on it. I sat there for a long time looking at it and realized I am in a place of my life where I had ceased all dreams. The more I stared at this bracelet with it's little pink "Dream" on it the more I realized that is exactly what I need to do, look past all this and seek my "dreams" or goals God has for me. Needless to say, I am wearing my bracelet daily as encouragement that I will get past this and not be afraid to plan and dream again. Thank you Gwen.
I continue to be overwhelmed with the outpouring from so many. So many donated blood that I ended up not needing just yet. Thankfully my counts were better this chemo time than last time. We will see, lots more chemo to go. I have received some wonderful emails from friends who I haven't seen in a decade. God is using this to his Glory, of this I am sure. I so humbled and honored. I cannot begin to explain how overwhelmed I am at the calls I receive from ex co-workers, ex-church members, cousins I haven't seen in decades. I keep thinking I need to mobilize all of you to pray for something so much more important than me. So while I am thinking about it, please stop and say a prayer for our country. Our God is sovereign but we as Christians must do our duty to participate and fight for Godly leadership. Ok, that was my political sidebar. Passiveness is a great tool of Satan.
My King of Glory has truly been my prince of peace this past week. Most of us who have studied the book of Daniel know that we have three outcomes in times of trial. God can either deliver us from going through a trial; he can deliver us through the trial, much like he did with Shadrach, Meshach and Abendago or even Daniel; or he can deliver us to him as a result of the trial. I always thought once you reached the point that you were at peace with any of those options, you were ok. I have learned I don't fear death, I fear living through the fire and it takes much more faith to believe I will come through this without even a hint of a smell of smoke on me as did Shad, Shach, and Bennie when God saved them from the fire. But God is building my faith through the amazing encouragement of so many from all over the country.
I spent a long time talking with my oncologist yesterday. We have to get through the 9 rounds of chemo every other week. (I've done 3/9 so far). May 29-30 should be the last one. After that I may be able to do radiation daily for 4-6 weeks instead of the chemo once a month for a year. We won't know until after that 9th round of chemo what is the best way to go since there are lots of factors involved, so we will see but it gives me hope. Even doing intensive radiation daily for 6 weeks would at least get me through the process. Something about being through in July rather than January sounds so nice.
This week I kept being reminded of a song we used to sing a lot at my church in Beaumont. It always touched my heart but now a different verse makes me cry than used to. I used to always be humbled by the verse
I'm trading my sorrowI'm trading my shameI'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
This past week the following verse kept playing through my head with astounding new meaning
I'm trading my sicknessI'm trading my painI'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
And because the song is so good I am going to paste it in entirety below. If you don't know the tune you can look it up online and download it. The Musician is the Katinas. I hope this blesses you as the memories of singing this dozens of times with my beloved church family blesses me. Have a great week.
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my painI
'm laying it down For the joy of the Lord
Chorus Yeah, yeah Everybody say yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
Lift your voice and say yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
Say yeah, yeah (yeah, yeah)
I am pressed but not crushed Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am pressed beyond the curse For his power will endure
That his joy's gonna be my strength Though the sorrow may Last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down For the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my painI'm laying it down For the joy of the Lord
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am pressed beyond the curse For his power will endure
His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may Last for the night His joy comes with the morning
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it downFor the joy of the Lord
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord Amen
(3 Times)Yes, Yes Lord, AmenYes, Yes Lord, AmenYes, Yes Lord, Amen
Feb 25, 2008 Update
A friend suggested I start keeping a blog of my cancer struggle but I am holding out and refuse to be one of "those" people.Plus there is no cash in blogs. I'll just save all the emails and bind them with a snappy title like "Letters from the Lymphomiac" and get the cult of Oprah to buy it as a tear jerker thus making millions. I will warn you all that I am no longer singing all blue skies and rainbows and sunbeams from heaven. This is an honest email. I just can't fake it any longer.
Ok, it has been 2 weeks since an update which could mean no news is good news or it was so bad I didn't want to write. For those who are on the "Joyce mouth of the south phone list" you already know last weekend (2/16) I was in a car accident. I am fine, Mom is totally fine but I couldn't even get in to se doctors until today for that b/c of all the cancer related appointments. I so should have married some old man for his money when I had the chance b/c cancer is a full time social calendar and I haven't even gotten to go to the fun events yet like "How to not look green during chemo - cosmetic tips for cancer patients" (yes this is a real event) and "Finding the best wig for you."
Oh well.
So I have a torn rotator cuff we think, will need an MRI to be sure. Should get my car back tomorrow. No other cars involved, For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise. Also, check to ensure your car has anti-lock brakes. I found out that my newer car did not come standard with them the hard way.
I also had to have my chemo port replaced because, well, how to say this with discretion, ok like I ever care, good point. First understand the chemo port......it is placed right in top of one of your boobs with tubing that runs up through the neck and loops back down the breast bone making a big U shape. So lets say "Something" pulls down on the chemo port side when you stand up or take certain foundational clothing garmets off, the tubing on the other side of the U will slide up out of the vein. This was a very traumatic way to realize the best years of my body are indeed long gone. Just in case the nurses in hazmat gear weren't a clue.
Kami came for my chemo. It takes someone who loves me indeed to sit 34 hours by me as I whine, cry and complain. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise. It also evidently someone who can withstand IV machine beeping without rage as well.
That was chemo #2. There are 3 chemo treatments to a cycle so my next chemo on 3/6 (I believe that's the right date) will be the end of cycle #1 which just means they take a bunch of benchmarking tests.
I have 7 more (counting 3/6) treatments every other week which should end I think the end of May, then I go to once a month until my one year anniversary date in mid January. Yep, one full year of this foolishness. I can't believe I have just begun, it seems too hard already. We will see how long I hold out. I am debating running away to a tropical island and just living out my days happily with fruity drinks but fear Lori would show up doing her medical mission work and find me and drag me home. Or Tricia may already have a GPS tracking device on me, I can't be sure.
It looks like the severe intestinal spasms/ pain that put me in ER 2 weeks ago is going to be a standard side effect for a week after each chemo brought on by my "rescue" drug so I am learning to deal with the pain. Yes they call it the rescue drug b/c it is what keeps my bone marrow from dying so I don't have much choice. I had to research all this on my own.
Thank you all for your outpouring of love an prayers and phone calls. I know I sometimes don't return all of the calls but I get the messages. I am just having some really weak days. They say it is my hemaglobin and hematacrit levels. I didn't have to get a transfusion this time I was just above the line but it looks inevitable and looks like by 1 yr out I'll probably have to have a few.
So for any who would like please feel free to donate blood to the National blood bank in my name and donate often. I'd like to think my friends and family were also helping those who don't have such a vast support network even if I don't need it someone does.Many have asked if there is anything they can do and that is one thing anyone who is able can do from their home no matter how far away from me.
As my family doctor noted this morning he thinks I have moved from denial to anger in my stages of grief so I am progressing on so many levels. The one thing I am ready to admit is that I do not think I am quite ready just yet to go through my chemo sessions alone. These wear me down both emotionally and physically so I am now bowing my stubbornness and saying anyone who would like a place on the schedule, let me know.
Thanks again to all for your continued love and support.
Ok, it has been 2 weeks since an update which could mean no news is good news or it was so bad I didn't want to write. For those who are on the "Joyce mouth of the south phone list" you already know last weekend (2/16) I was in a car accident. I am fine, Mom is totally fine but I couldn't even get in to se doctors until today for that b/c of all the cancer related appointments. I so should have married some old man for his money when I had the chance b/c cancer is a full time social calendar and I haven't even gotten to go to the fun events yet like "How to not look green during chemo - cosmetic tips for cancer patients" (yes this is a real event) and "Finding the best wig for you."
Oh well.
So I have a torn rotator cuff we think, will need an MRI to be sure. Should get my car back tomorrow. No other cars involved, For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise. Also, check to ensure your car has anti-lock brakes. I found out that my newer car did not come standard with them the hard way.
I also had to have my chemo port replaced because, well, how to say this with discretion, ok like I ever care, good point. First understand the chemo port......it is placed right in top of one of your boobs with tubing that runs up through the neck and loops back down the breast bone making a big U shape. So lets say "Something" pulls down on the chemo port side when you stand up or take certain foundational clothing garmets off, the tubing on the other side of the U will slide up out of the vein. This was a very traumatic way to realize the best years of my body are indeed long gone. Just in case the nurses in hazmat gear weren't a clue.
Kami came for my chemo. It takes someone who loves me indeed to sit 34 hours by me as I whine, cry and complain. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise. It also evidently someone who can withstand IV machine beeping without rage as well.
That was chemo #2. There are 3 chemo treatments to a cycle so my next chemo on 3/6 (I believe that's the right date) will be the end of cycle #1 which just means they take a bunch of benchmarking tests.
I have 7 more (counting 3/6) treatments every other week which should end I think the end of May, then I go to once a month until my one year anniversary date in mid January. Yep, one full year of this foolishness. I can't believe I have just begun, it seems too hard already. We will see how long I hold out. I am debating running away to a tropical island and just living out my days happily with fruity drinks but fear Lori would show up doing her medical mission work and find me and drag me home. Or Tricia may already have a GPS tracking device on me, I can't be sure.
It looks like the severe intestinal spasms/ pain that put me in ER 2 weeks ago is going to be a standard side effect for a week after each chemo brought on by my "rescue" drug so I am learning to deal with the pain. Yes they call it the rescue drug b/c it is what keeps my bone marrow from dying so I don't have much choice. I had to research all this on my own.
Thank you all for your outpouring of love an prayers and phone calls. I know I sometimes don't return all of the calls but I get the messages. I am just having some really weak days. They say it is my hemaglobin and hematacrit levels. I didn't have to get a transfusion this time I was just above the line but it looks inevitable and looks like by 1 yr out I'll probably have to have a few.
So for any who would like please feel free to donate blood to the National blood bank in my name and donate often. I'd like to think my friends and family were also helping those who don't have such a vast support network even if I don't need it someone does.Many have asked if there is anything they can do and that is one thing anyone who is able can do from their home no matter how far away from me.
As my family doctor noted this morning he thinks I have moved from denial to anger in my stages of grief so I am progressing on so many levels. The one thing I am ready to admit is that I do not think I am quite ready just yet to go through my chemo sessions alone. These wear me down both emotionally and physically so I am now bowing my stubbornness and saying anyone who would like a place on the schedule, let me know.
Thanks again to all for your continued love and support.
Feb 10, 2008 Update
Hi friends and prayer warriors.Well last week proved challenging as the spinal tap test almost did me in and resulted in me staying in the hospital flat on my back through Friday. i also had an allergic reaction to the adhesive on my chemo port bandage which was not pretty. I am still getting some migraines but my Dr. agreed I could be more comfy and heal better at home. My next chemo is 2/21 and I am on bedrest until then and Kami is coming over to be with me through that. I had a rough weekend with some pain and nausea and quite honestly was just scared. I felt like I had cancer for the first time, everything just ached...so my Mama stayed here and will hopefully be able to go back to Louisiana when Kami goes back. They really think the nausea is from the severe headaches caused from the spinal tap not from chemo and I was having it the day before chemo so we will see.I never thought I'd praise God for my lifelong weight struggle but today I did just that. My excess poundage may just get me through this as I am not able to eat much at all and have already lost a bit of weight added to a heightened sense of smell that makes everything seem hideous. God truly does have everything prepared for us and uses our greatest struggles to ultimately help us through. Praise his name.I saved the great news for last. Due to the migraines they did a CAT scan before releasing me last week. After only one chemo my oncologist nor the radiologists could find even a trace of cancer in my brain. "For ever blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise." My Dr. said she had never seen that but I told her my God is in the miracle business.Thank you for you continued prayers and I will continue chemo to prevent return of the cancer in hopes of a long remission.
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