April 5 Update

I have no idea why music speaks to me so vividly. I have no musical talent, a horrible singing voice, I joke that God had to make somebody to fill the audiences. Nevertheless, music always speaks to me, it comforts me through my day. It's very hard to scream at another driver who cut you off in traffic if you're singing It Is Well With My Soul, I'd say probably impossible. I truly believe we are what we surround ourselves with. We choose to fill ourselves with positive or negative via audio, visual, environmental.



Anyway, I just felt the need to explain why I reference music lyrics so often. For those not up on contemporary Christian music you may not even catch them all in my emails. Mercy Me got very popular a few years back and even a country artist remade their lyrics for the song "I can only Imagine." But my favorite lyric they've written is the opening of "Hold Fast." I had a crummy week at work 2 weeks ago and this one verse kept me going. Evidently I look "too healthy" as one co-worker told me. People forget what I am going through and expect me to be back working 60 hours a week because they see me back.Life goes on, the phone stops ringing all day long and the mailbox is no longer full of cards. All the flowers have died and even the plants thank to 2 unexpected snow storms in Dallas in March. Anyway...



I did have to run out of my first meeting to barf, but only one person really noticed I think. I think most thought I got a call on my Blackberry. I think I look like I jumped right out of Fright Night with all the scars all over me now, inside my elbows looks as those of a heroine addict, scars all over my shoulder and chest from an allergic reaction to ChloraPrep resulting in viscous blisters (Chlorprep is a new cleanser used for surgery that doesn't stain like Betadine......I learned to stick to Betadine the hard way) horrible dark circles under my eyes and blotches on my face.



Plus the chemo port. I'll assume most of you don't know what that is since I had no clue until they needed to slice me open to get one. The PowerPort I have is right under the skin just a couple inches below my collar bone. It's kind of a plastic triangular thing with prongs that stick out. If I had seen one on a person I would have thought they had some wicked calcium deposits. From the PowerPort a tube runs up and loops over my collar bone at my neck and then runs back down into my body inside a main artery or vein, I can never distinguish between the 2 but you get the drift. So I have this plastic prongy thing with a tube running under the skin that loops at the neck causing a tiny scar there.



And not to mention the hair, ooooooo the hair issues I have. And then there is the scar from ear to ear so I can't even be one of those mysterious, exotic bald women because I have this warpy scar across my head. Then in one spot on the top of my head hair is actually starting to grow back from the scar so I have spikes growing up and then it is falling out in other places. But alas, God prepared my for these big struggles. My days with Mary Kay prepared me to paint over any blotch and dark circle to a perfect complexion finish and being from the south, well, I can tease even the most minute amount of hair to a voluminous coif, even covering the spikes growing.



Ok, all that rambling...here is the lyric I kept hearing in my head



To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us

Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Those first four lines are powerful enough by themselves aren't they?

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us



Boy isn't that the truth. Look around your office and I mean really look, or your quilt club, Sunday school class, or the others bustling through the mall on a Saturday. It seems everyone has a hurt of some sort they are dealing with at any given time if we slow down long enough to notice, if we pick up on the little clues. If we really see into their eyes, into their heart. So much hurt in a fallen world.



I say I have Cancerdar now. Basically radar of cancer sufferers/survivors. Perhaps God is just leading me to these random people for encouragement but it has amazed me. It's like I see that same wound in them that I couldn't see, I wouldn't recognize before, there is a knowledge they have in their eyes, I didn't have before. I'll ask my prayerful friends to add Crystal to your list. She's a girl I came across and am sure I'll never see again, it was random but she looked about 25 and has already had a full hysterectomy from uterine cancer that spread to ovarian and cervical. Now it has returned a year later to her thyroid and possibly her lungs. She is not going to do anymore chemo or radiation, she is done with Dr. appts, she is going to just live out her normal life for as long as God continues to let her. I don't blame her. I have no comprehension of how some people go through this battle more than once. I keep telling my doctor, whatever it takes, let's do it now because I only have this fight in me once. I've been looking for a reason for years to go over the edge, become a bum who sits on the beach and sips fruity drinks all day, just still not sure how to fund that lifestyle. I taking all suggestions. So far all I have is Karen's Margarita stand on the beach idea or braiding hair for tourists.





The other words echoing in my voice for the past month have been from Rich Mullins, I know several people have done this song so not sure who wrote it but I like his version best.



So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace



I feel like God is doing that as I continue to accept and move forward. I think I may have moved out of the depression phase of grief. Wooohooo, another milestone. For every blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise.



I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord



People keep handing me information for counselors for my cancer. I'm dealing with cancer ok but I do think I need some help on the workaholic tendencies so I may see someone for that. When my doctor told me over the phone that Friday morning in January that I had a brain tumor, the absolute first thing that went through my head was "I wish I had spent the whole week of Christmas home this year." (this yr I only went home for Christmas Eve and Christmas day) Things come into perspective quickly but sustained change is very difficult. Sometimes it still seems so surreal ...I have cancer? ME? This isn't happening to me. I wonder if that's how all the badness of our lives will be when we are in heaven, like a surreal old dream that surely we never actually lived through?



Grey's Anatomy is a hit show so I am hoping at least part of you out there watch it so this will be better explained with the visual than I can do verbally. Last season when Meredith went into the water and "died" before being resuscitated back to life. She awoke and had this great clarity of things, clarity of life and a sudden removal of fears and then in later shows all of her fears came back and she would witness a patient at the hospital who narrowly escaped death get that same "ah hah" revelation of thinking.....she told him to act quickly, because it won't last, that feeling that he had right then when everything in the world is so clear and he knows what is really important because he just got his life back, it doesn't last. It fades and we go back to being the same people we were before. I think it's true. Some don't but those are the exception; the people who truly change how they live forever. I want to be the exception.



So I did this chemo solo, drove myself, drove home, and this was my midway point, 5 down, 4 to go. It was hard for my family to let me but they can't keep trekking to TX every other week to basically drive me home. Heck, I could get limo service home for cheaper than the gas they are using. Hmmm, now I may just have to look into that now that I thought of it. Genius comes from my smart remarks. Anyway... I kept expecting Tricia to walk through the hospital room door despite my protests but she let me be a big girl and I did fine. My poor doctor has to have the patience of job. I tend to be a bit smart alec. She asked if I could believe I was already at the halfway point of my chemo? Like "gees isn't it going fast?" I looked at her like she was flipping crazy and said "no, I can't believe it's not over, I feel like I've been here for yrs." I again reminded her, she is only getting one shot to treat me, I'm already researching Caribbean islands just in case I need to flee to one. I felt bad later, I know she was trying to be encouraging. But then I looked at the bill of what her hourly rate is and I got over it and thanked God for good insurance. For every blessing he pours out I'll turn back to praise.


More things to Praise God for...

My company continues to be amazingly supportive, allowing me to miss 2 days every other week (I can do conference calls from the hospital and I always have my laptop so we call it working remotely) and leave early, come in late as needed. They've never taken me off full salary through all of this. Bless his name for truly good people.



Also since I obviously did not reach the goal of buying a house by end of my 1 yr anniversary in Dallas the evil corporation who owns my apartment complex along with half the other apartments in Dallas I found out, finally came to see things my way that I should not have to pay an increase in rent or sign a 1 yr lease to stay. Yes, I'll admit, I played the poor cancer patient card, but they were being so unreasonable. Hopefully by next spring I'll be in a house. Thank God as well for an awesome Christian realtor who has been patient with me. All my local friends, email back and I'll refer you if you're thinking of moving.



That's all for now, this was a long one.



Blessings till next time.