May 17, 2008 Update

Quote of the week "don't wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don't."Well, 1 chemo left. All the nurses are ready to celebrate with me but I feel like this is only the halfway point since I still have to go through radiation. My doctor is working to see if I can get in to see the radiation oncologist this coming week so he can go ahead and get started with his team of physicists to figure out what angles they want to zap my with even before I do my last chemo that way I will not have to wait a month to start radiation, maybe more like 2 weeks after my last chemo.I bought wigs!!! I was unable to get the blonde wig I wanted because of my virtual planetoid head and she only had it in a small but I did get an awesome hand made wig that has a natural looking part. I forget what they are called but it looks totally natural on b/c you can see a part line and you think you are seeing the scalp even. So it is in dark brown almost black, shoulder length. And I also got a very light brown almost blonde one with a more tailored cut around my face, but also shoulder length. It is not one of the super duper handmade wigs but it's ok. So on my closet shelf I have little styrofoam heads with wigs on them, just kinda odd when I open the closet every morning. I'll get that blonde wig yet!

I actually got a card this weekend from the lady who owns the wig shop I purchased at. It may just be a wonderful marketing ploy she sends to all of her customers but hey, it worked. I was touched that I had impacted her enough for her to send a beautiful Christian note to me. And for those who are updating their Ipods here is what I've been listening to this week. And as I always, I have certain pieces that play through my head as I go along each day. That is what I am listing here.

Mountain of God by Third DayEven though the journey's long And I know the road is hard Well, the One who's gone before me He will help me carry on After all that I've been through Now I realize the truth That I must go through the valley To stand upon the mountain of God

The first song was one of encouragement as we travel through life's journeys, knowing Christ has gone before us and this world is the valley to our ultimate life on the Mountain with God. The second song is pure poetry. It speaks of traveling the world seeking what one is missing to find it was there to begin with; it's about finding yourself, which ultimately is what we are all trying to do in life. Find our place, our path, our purpose. We are forever changed by our experiences. And many things that appear as "heaven" to us end up being overrated when we experience them. The best we can hope for is that we didn't give up too much on the ground while we were trying to reach for the stars. That in our search for wonders, what we really needed hasn't been lost forever due to our foolishness. The lyrics speak of being on a "soul vacation," ponder that for just a moment. I have had this CD since it first came out years ago, but heard it on the radio last Saturday when I was crying my eyes out because I was too ill to go home for my dear friend's grandmother's funeral. I felt like I finally got it. Here is a couple bits. Look it up if you don't know it.

Drops of Jupiter by Train
Now that shes back in the atmosphereWith drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, heyShe acts like summer and walks like rainReminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sunDid you make it to the milky way to see the lights all fadedAnd that heaven is overratedTell me, did you fall for a shooting starOne without a permanent scarAnd did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out thereNow that shes back from that soul vacationTracing her way through the constellation, hey, heyShe checks out mozart while she does tae-boReminds me that theres time to grow, hey, heyAnd then this weekend I dug through and found an old favorite that I think of every time I look down at my charm bracelet and see the word "Dream" on. (If you don't get that reference it refers to a previous update) "Before you knew me I was a fairy princess, I caught frogs and called them princes because I was taught to dream. I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails and I believe in Peter Pan and Miracles, anything I can to get by..." Faith Hill, Fireflies If only we could see things the way we saw them before we were "taught" to see life. How different would it be if children of the world, made the world's decisions?

Yeah, this has turned into my music review.

I'm going to stop my bi-weekly update now and insert pieces of an email that I received from my cherished friend Kami this week. The thing with old friends is, you know you can do things like mass email out a personal email they sent you and if they didn't want it advertised, you know they'll forgive you because they've already forgiven a multitude of mistakes.

Kami is a youth Director, just fyi as she speaks about her "job." She is also deeply affeceted by music, unlike me, however, God gave her an amazing voice to express through.
"In one of my sessions in Princeton, we were talking about conflict resolution and solving problems. Someone said that she felt her job was about "managing brokenness" and that phrase will stick with me forever. We are all broken in some way. We all have our issues, our failures, and God is constantly trying to put those little pieces back together for us. Just when it seems we've almost got things fixed, something else breaks and we have to start all over again. Thankfully, God uses broken people-especially ones who recognize their brokenness!! There is a song that constantly runs through my mind because it describes me so well:

Something beautiful, something good
All my confusion, He understood
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
But He made something beautiful of my life!

When I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, I sing that song and realize that God is there just waiting for me to bring those pieces to Him because I can't put them back together on my own. I have a God that loves me so much that he wants to use me even when I feel completely useless. How awesome is that?!

With that said, when I read what you wrote I thought of another song.......it perfectly describes the way I feel about everyone who has ever meant anything to me--even those who I no longer see or speak to..... It's called For Good and it's from the musical Wicked. Here are the lyrics:

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return
Now I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you--I have been changed for good

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend
Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, because I knew you--I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you've blamed me for
But then I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And, because I knew you--I have been changed for good

I know that was a little long, but they're such beautiful words and they perfectly capture what's in my heart. I continue to pray for you and I know that God is working to put the pieces back together for you.

I love you.

Kami"

Thank you to all who continue to pray for me, call me, send me notes and just love me. I continue to be humbled and overwhelmed at God's people and the response one broken, totally unremarkable lady in a small corner of this big world continues to receive. Several people have told me they just keep looking for the right thing to say and as I told one friend last week, there is nothing right to say and in the end, all anyone ever remembers is that you were there, or that you called or emailed, not what the actual words are.

If you think of doing something good for someone do it, do it immediately before your common sense and logic overrides what could be the nudging of an angel.

True courage is following your heart when everyone and all common sense tells you not to.

May God bless and keep you all.