June 7, 2008 Update

Sorry this message is late. Last weekend I was just totally wiped out and did not get an update typed. Well chemotherapy is complete. For every blessing he pours out I will turn back to praise.
It was a long 18 weeks but finally over. I could not get an appointment to see the radiation oncologist I want to see until 6/16 so just in waiting now. I will know more then. It will take at least a couple of weeks for the radiation team to prep for my treatment so we are probably looking at the first week of July at the earliest. So that’s what I know for now. I may be able to travel for July 4th if I haven't done radiation yet but it depends how tired I feel. I have been wiped the past month. I am back to coming home and being in bed by 7 or 8 pm most days. We'll see how I feel. I am trying to think of a fun endeavor.
There is a sense of relief in being complete with the first stage but I will not feel like I can fully exhale until all is over. I have a fear of celebrating too soon.
It is amazing to go through something like this and be amazed at the loyalty of some people….sometimes those you least expect it from. I have a couple of business contacts that I have never even met face to face who have been shockingly loyal in calling, emailing and offering up prayer. How odd?
I also have one dear friend who I would name here but that would embarrass his humble soul hidden by a, well, not even sure how to describe the exterior….anyway. This person became an unlikely friend in college and has be amazingly loyal ever since… through all of this as well. I think it means more because I know such things make him uncomfortable but he has sucked it up and just been there consistently to make me laugh, listen, and even get angry with. I started thinking about all the amazing people in my life. I mean, even when I send this update I have to break my distribution list in half or it goes into spam files for many of you because it is so big. That is really something. Odd to measure your friends by the size of your email distro I suppose. Anyway…I am blessed with friends who will show up to rescue you after an explosion on a Sunday after noon in Mississippi, friends who will get in the car on a whim with no notice and just start driving to meet wherever halfway ends up being hours later for dinner as we talk on cell phones, or even let you bring 2 dates to their wedding…..and it had open bar.
So my next thought was about people who have no one praying for them. Some of you know this is something that haunts me pretty regularly….the thought that there are people no one ever prays for. How heartbreaking is that? Think about it, let that thought wash over you…..wow…miserable thought. I think we take it for granted when we sit in church ever y Sunday or have Mom’s who nag but it happens and it aches my heart in the reality that there are some people who’s Mom never brought them to church, they didn’t grow up with Godly neighbors who kept an eye out, they have no friends who would help them escape the country in the event of a major crime committed. Ok, just making sure you were paying attention….but you know what they say…A good friend will bail you out of jail….a great friend would be sitting there beside you.
So the point? Stop and take some time to truly thank God for the people in your life who pray for you. And take a look around you at those who may have absolutely no one praying for them and add them to your list.
I am now going through the accompanying book to A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. I actually think I like the Experience Guide more than the book. Anyway…..It talks about Hesed, the Hebrew word for the indescribable or undefinable. A more simple translation may be “why.” Why am I sick? Why did my loved one die? At the core of hesed is that it is perceived as unmerited or undeserved. Interestingly enough the same concept is Grace, another undeserved why. Why does God love us? Why did he chose to save us? Why? Ok that is bordering on the Covey Principle of 5 Why’s to root cause analysis so…moving right along.
When we are in a period of Hesed or “why” we reach out to God, typically through sorrow or lament and somehow that is how we find him again, get closer to him, as we seek more answers we seek him. I think this is probably why we are to give thanks in all things. Even a sorrowful pain is being used by God to bring us closer to him and ultimately aid in our sanctification. I also think it is a sign of true spiritual maturity when you can stop in the middle of a horrific event and say “even now I give thanks because I know God is using this for my ultimate benefit.”
The book goes on to list dozens of examples from the bible when one starts out lamenting to God and then shifts to praising God, this abrupt shift is thought to be when God’s presence shows. How awesome is that…even in our deepest saddest moments the very presence of God will show up and provide comfort and again draw us closer to him. For some lamenting and sorrow is a regular ocurrence but it should not be looked at as a curse. Think of Job, he suffered much but remained faithful to continue seeking God and God in turn was faithful to Job.
For those whom God has a great purpose for, he has to bring through a great preparation. Unfortunately for our weak little fleshly bodies, growing pains are a reality.
So what trials have you been through? You made it, right? You’re still here online, reading my dribble. God obviously brought you through it. Take some time to think about all the trials he has brought you personally through.
Now give thanks.
And the next time you find yourself crying out to God, keep crying out or lamenting…he will show up and give you peace, give you strength and you can be sure will carry on to praise him another day.
What is our worst case scenario? A lifetime in heaven with him? Sounds like a win-win solution to me. Ok, another Covey reference, eeeks. I have to stop reading all those books, they really are getting ingrained into me.
Hair update: I know this is really why y’all read my emails. I have cut it even shorter as I prep to potentially loose it all during radiation. Think a brunette Reba McIntyre when she first started her TV show…short with little flips up in the back. And yes, I did find a platinum blonde wig. How come all the hair on my head has started falling out but I still have to shave my legs? So unfair. And not one of those little white hairs in my part fell out……so unfair.
Most of you probably saw on the news Teddy Kennedy has a brain tumor and originally they were not even going to operate b/c he is terminal but then they chose to go ahead in the hopes of relieving some pain for him as well as aid in research and my hope is awareness. No I do not have the same type of tumor as he has but it has already brought great awareness. My oncologist said her phone has been ringing off the hook and she has even been on Dallas news. I asked her why there isn’t more publicity for brain tumors since they are one of the most lethal forms of cancer and she sadly but honestly answered me….because most people, even famous people don’t live long enough to do anything publicly. For example….did you notice Yves St Laurent also got a brain tumor in May? He has already passed away….no great drama to follow there because it happened so quickly so it was a footnote in most news cycles. If you do any research you’ll find that the amount of money the government (we) allocate does not match death rates or frequency. For example look at heart disease, number one killer of women but not the #1 money recipient. Don’t get me wrong, all cancer , all disease is horrible, atrocious and I am biased for heart disease because it is so near and dear to my family on both sides taking many members of our family over the years but my point is to be aware of where our tax dollars are going to and be aware of why. And if so inclined, make a difference. We have now been touched by the tragedy of Primary T-cell Central Nervous System Lymphoma, so we can be the voice, we can be the publicity, we can be the change.
I’m sitting by the pool in my apt complex as I write this. I can’t remember the last time I wanted to go swimming so badly. Probably not since I was 9. Amazing how we want things more when we can’t have them (too many germs in a public pool per my no-no packet from the doctor). And watching the little apt complex germ cesspools (aka children) diving in and out of the pool makes me agree, way too many germs. Eeeks, one just spit…gross. I think I need a better job, I need to be able to afford a private pool, it is decided….and of course, then a poolboy b/c I am soooo not cleaning that thing myself. Maybe I need to make friends with someone who has a pool. Ana and Nathan – y’all live close….buy a new house with a pool but in the same area so I don’t have to trek far.
I did finally break down and have some sushi (also on the no-no list) it was not super great but good and I always stick to smoked salmon but I could only be good for so long. I haven’t had any since like December. It was ok. I need a Seattle roll so Michelle, the next time you come visit your dad, wrap 2 up and put in an ice chest for me. I can’t find the exact same thing here. A zillion restaurants in Dallas but not that exact roll. Grrrr.
Ok, I’m rambling.
Oh and for this week’s Ipod update…..Cher’s Greatest hits but I keep replaying “Strong Enough.” It was written for a different purpose but it still encourages me for some reason. And it would be great post breakups…particularly if you have been traded in for someone younger, thinner, or surgically altered which probably gives the illusion of the previous 2 items. Just a thought.
God bless and keep you all.